Find Strength in Pain
by bmango
Summary: Jasper is given one more chance to turn his life around, and he finds it with Edward who has one last chance at living.  Jasper/Edward. AH
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Here is your fair warning. This is a story that has been stomping around in my head for a while. It will have happy parts and sad parts, but the important thing to note is that Edward is in hospice. So, if you want a guaranteed ending where they live forever together in happiness, I can't give it. For those who read, thank you and I hope you enjoy.

Big thanks to LyricalKris for beta-ing this and for holding my hand.

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**Prologue**

Excerpt from a journal:

Now that I am at the end, here where all unimportant things fall away, I know I must tell my story.

Our story.

What follows is the account of how, after I lost my love and my life, I found them again and found me again in the most unexpected place.

This is the story of how I met the man that performed a miracle and saved my life.

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

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**Excerpt from Edward's journal** - _June 2, 2011_

Today was the same as every other day, except for that one small, seemingly insignificant moment that changed everything.

I rose early and had breakfast with Miss Celie, sitting at the window and watching the sun dance through the leaves of the large maple outside. She had fruit as usual, and I teased her about trying to maintain her figure as usual. I then went to the art room, taking some paper and the charcoals with me outside to sketch for a few hours. After lunch, the volunteers arrived for the daily 'entertain the invalids' time.

In addition to the normal barrage of well-meaning, middle-aged house wives and the high school students beefing up their college applications, there was a gruff-looking, angry young man. Dressed in a leather jacket and looking like he wanted to be anywhere else, he walked around the room slowly, as if assessing the easiest means of escape. If it weren't for the imposing, security-looking man who joined him, I'm certain he would have kept to himself the entire time.

Instead, heapproached Miss Celie and I on the couch where we were discussing her newest knitting project.

And then the man spoke, his smooth, Southern accent filling me with a warmth I'd been missing. "Hello, ma'am. Can I join you and your grandson?"

I looked up to correct him and was instantly trapped by the most beautiful, crystal blue eyes I had ever seen. And that's the exact moment when everything went to hell.

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**JPOV**

I woke up with the alarm blaring in my ear, and I wondered why I was getting up so god-damned early on a Saturday, especially on Memorial Day weekend. Oh right, meeting Felix for breakfast. Joy.

Standing and stretching, I hauled on a pair of jeans from the floor and found a clean t-shirt in the cardboard moving boxes next to the closet. I pulled it over my head as I stumbled into the bathroom to take care of business. Gazing at myself in the mirror, I ran a hand along my day's worth of stubble and decided one more day wouldn't hurt anything. I tied my hair back at the base of my neck and brushed my teeth before deciding I was presentable enough for my current jailer.

Grabbing my leather jacket and my keys, I left my apartment, barely registering the warmth of the first summer sun on my shoulders as I walked to meet the next step in my life. The diner Felix chose was just around the corner, and I embraced the general quiet of a Saturday morning and tried to calm myself. This was my chance.

My last chance.

Felix waved from his booth as soon as I entered the door, but his bulk was hard to miss in the nearly empty restaurant. I nodded in return and joined him, asking the waitress for coffee before I turned my attention to the man sitting across from me.

His mouth smiled, but the rest of his face didn't show any joy, a seemingly permanent hardness to his eyes. "So, Jasper, how long have you been out?"

I wanted to be a hard-ass, I wanted to make some smart comment, because as my parole officer, he knew exactly when I'd been released. But I'd play this game. This was one I actually cared to win. "Four days."

"Getting settled in okay?"

"Yeah. I found an easy apartment and got my boxes out of storage yesterday." I shrugged, because I knew that wasn't really what he was asking, but I didn't spend so long in jail to forget what real life was like.

"Well, you've served your time now. You need to get a job, and then I'll be out of your hair."

I looked up at him, trying to see if he was joking. "Except for the community service I still have to do."

"Well, about that. This judge has been dealing out community service to all the gang bangers that come in front of him. It's nothing big; you've done it before."

I sighed. Yes, I'd picked up garbage along the side of the road quite a few times. Same old fucking thing. "Is there anything else besides picking up trash?"

Felix raised an eyebrow. "Why do you ask, son?"

"Well, the judge said I had to change my ways, change my friends, change everything, or I'd just be back before him again and he wouldn't be so...lenient." I felt my shoulders tighten as I remembered his words. Like 18 months jail time and six months community service was lenient for something I didn't even do. I shook myself; this argument made no difference two years ago, and it definitely wouldn't help now. "I'm sure I'll see guys on those details that I know, that know me."

I recognized when he understood what I was getting at. "You'd like something where you're less likely to run into the old crowd."

I nodded even though it wasn't a question and waited.

He leaned back in his booth, his hard gaze never leaving my face. "I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you, sir."

At that he smiled. "I'm beginning to like you, Jasper."

I returned the smile because things were actually starting to look up.

Next time I heard from Felix was three days later. "I got you a gig on Thursday, volunteering at Trinity Hospice Center."

I couldn't stop my incredulous response. "A hospice? Like old people?"

"Yeah. Old, sick people waiting to die. You got a problem with that?" There was a hard edge to Felix's voice, and I was suddenly happy we were only talking on the phone. I had a feeling his whole face matched this time.

"No. No, sir. Just wasn't expecting that."

"Well, I pulled some strings to get you in this program. You fuck it up, and I will not have a problem putting you on trash duty or worse."

I didn't want to know what could be worse, and I refused to go back to jail ever again. So I thanked Felix and promised that I would be at the hospice Thursday at noon for my orientation. He promised to meet me there.

In all actuality, it wasn't what I had imagined. I pictured an old folks' home: sterile, smelly and white linoleum everywhere. But this was... comfortable. Instead of a place old people were shoved when the family could no longer deal with them, this felt welcoming and almost like coming home.

Felix entered a few moments after I did and he still had his hard expression in place. "Well?"

"This is... different. Not what I was expecting."

He looked me up and down and seemed to be somewhat satisfied. "Come on then. Angela will be giving the instructional today, and then we'll go visit the patients."

Felix led the way to a small conference room where there were already a few people gathered: mostly middle-aged women in homemade sweaters and knitting bags tucked under their arms. The other half of the volunteers were younger, possibly high school or college aged kids trying to make their university or med school applications look better. They stood to one side, sipping punch with their Sunday best clothes and practiced fake smiles.

I noticed one of them give me a curious look, but then was distracted by a young woman in a typical nurse's uniform of colorful scrubs approaching us. Felix introduced Angela to me, and she gave him a curious look before shaking her head.

"Another one, Felix?" she asked, giving him a quick wink and me a warm smile. She then offered her hand. "Welcome to Trinity, Jasper. I have to get started, but you guys feel free to take a seat anywhere."

Although I was now even more unsure about this situation, I returned her smile and her handshake. She left us to address the room, and we took seats as she began laying down the rules for volunteering at the hospice. I took the opportunity to look around the room, receiving more than a few judgemental glares from the conservatively-dressed moms, like my long hair and leather jacket didn't belong in a place like this. Like I didn't belong.

Felix nudged my elbow, and I returned my attention to the nurse who was adding to the list of do's and don't's . Be helpful. Listen. Wait for the patient to volunteer information about their illness. Do not speak about death unless they want to.

How dense did she think we were? These rules seemed like common sense to me, but the kids and the moms were nodding along. Before long, she asked if there were any questions and then led us into the large common area where the patients that were mobile tended to gather for the day.

We entered the space as a group, but the other people soon dispersed through the room, talking and sitting with various patients.

I could still feel their unforgiving stares, and I shrugged my shoulders as if I could shake it off. But I was angry. Angry at them for making my feel this way, angry at myself for being in this situation and angry at the system for taking away all my choices.

"Remember the alternative," Felix said at my side. "Don't let them bother you. Go mingle." And then he walked away, going to sit near the wall with an elderly man and a chessboard.

I was alone.

Scanning the room, I saw the other volunteers still casting me surreptitious glances, but most of them were becoming more interested in the patients. There was an older woman sitting and knitting on a couch with a younger man. The couch faced one of the large windows overlooking the lake and the sun was forming a large pool of light where they both sat.

Something about her body language, or her hair style, or the way she laughed reminded me instantly of my Nana, and I couldn't stop my feet from carrying me over to them. She obviously already had company, but I wanted to at least say hello. Perhaps I could chat with her next time.

I approached cautiously, but the young man noticed, his body stiffening and his eyes lowering even as I rounded the arm of the couch to introduce myself. The older woman turned welcoming brown eyes to me, and I felt emboldened for the first time in a long time, as if my Nana were there to encourage me.

And remind me of my manners.

"Hello, ma'am. My name is Jasper. Can I join you and your grandson?"

The man regarded me with curious and startled green eyes that looked older than his young face.

She just laughed and motioned me closer. "I'm Miss Celie and this is Edward. And of course you can join us, but he's not related."

"My apologies," I answered, smiling at the ease of talking to this woman and settling myself on the arm of the couch. "What are you working on?"

She lifted up a powder blue bundle of yarn and a half finished... something. "Just a new blanket for my youngest grandchild. Pretty soon they'll all be too big to use such things."

"I still have the one my Nana knitted for me," I told her, and she smiled widely.

"Well, aren't you just a nice boy."

Edward snorted, and I glanced over at him, realizing that I had been rudely interrupting or ignoring him, and I should remedy it immediately. If only to get him to look at me again.

"And you, Edward. How long are you visiting then?"

At that statement, he did look at me again, but this time with such anger in his eyes that I flinched. Obviously I'd said something wrong, but I had no idea what. With one last look at me and a quick kiss on Miss Celie's cheek and apology to her, he left quickly, almost running over some of the patients on his way out the door.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but what did I say?"

She sighed and patted the spot on the couch that Edward just vacated. "He's just a bit sensitive about being here is all. But nothing you can do about that."

"Well, I can understand that being around people who are ill can be unsettling. But why is he so angry?"

She patted my hand and then turned her head to the window. I noticed that Edward was now sitting outside beneath a large elm tree. A book of some sort was propped against his bent knee, and he was scribbling furiously on its pages.

"What you have to understand is that Edward isn't visiting me or anyone here." She turned her gaze to me, her dark brown eyes serious but sad. "He's a patient here, too."

"A patient? He's dying?" I asked incredulously. How could someone so young and so beautiful be that sick?

"This is not my story to tell, my dear." She sighed and looked back out the window.

Edward had leaned his head back on the tree, and his eyes were closed. The sun filtering through the leaves danced across him, making him almost sparkle in the light like some ethereal creature. I couldn't have stopped watching if I wanted; he captivated me as no one else had.

Without shifting my gaze, I addressed the woman beside me. "I think I need to know his story, to know him."

"Then I suggest you return here and give him another chance." She chuckled then, a low throaty sound. "But be patient with him, Jasper. Very, very patient."

We passed the next hour sipping tea and chatting about her grandchildren and her passion for gardening. Eventually Felix joined us and said that it was time to leave.

"It was a pleasure to meet you, Miss Celie, and I hope to see you again."

I held out my hand and she grasped it with both of her warm, wrinkled ones. "I sure do hope so. And mind what I said about patience."

"Yes, ma'am." I squeezed her hands once and let go, following Felix toward the entrance. We both waved at a smiling Angela and then we were outside, blinking in the bright sunshine.

"Everything go okay?" he asked as we walked to the parking lot.

"Better than expected actually," I said with a genuine smile.

He chuckled and unlocked his car door. "I'm glad to hear that. So I can expect to see you here next Tuesday?"

"Sure, Felix. I'll see you then." I pulled on my helmet and swung my leg over my motorcycle, settling into the seat.

"See you, kid. Stay out of trouble."

I turned the key and gave him a thumbs up before I pushed back from the curb and drove away.

The entire ride home thoughts of the bronze-haired Edward filled my head. I didn't understand how he could be there at the hospice as a patient, although I did understand his anger. I would have felt angry too if I'd been cheated out of my life, if I was dying before I'd had a chance to live.

By the time I pulled into my apartment parking space, I had determined two things. One, I would return to the hospice and thank Felix for giving me this opportunity. After just one day, I saw this as a possibility, not just as a way to fulfill my required service, but as something worth doing, which was more than I could say of my typical activities.

And two, if it was the last thing I did, I would get Edward to talk to me.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Wow. Thanks for the amazing response, and I'm so happy so many are reading even with all the warnings. Big, squishy hugs to LyricalKris for beta-ing this chapter. Enjoy!

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**Chapter 2**

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**Excerpt from Edward's journal** - _June 5, 2011_

I am a fucking idiot. This guy, this random guy shows up like a wet dream in my little refuge of calm and peace, won't get out of my head. No matter what I do, how I try to think of all the other things I should be thinking about, my thoughts inevitably return to him.

His eyes. His smile. His voice.

Plus, this afternoon I officially hit a new low. At the time that the volunteers typically arrive, I sat almost on the edge of the couch cushion next to Miss Celie, trying not to look at the door and apparently failing miserably if her small chuckles were any indication. The door opened, the people filed in, and her head turned just as mine did.

She grasped my hand as my heart sank.

I am an idiot for even trying to have hope in this place. Why would he come back sooner anyway? What is this to him but some forced weekly community service? I knew what he was; I saw the guard. Not every college guy required a heavily-muscled escort. He may come back, but it wouldn't be to see me.

Anyway, if he did come to see me, then_ he's_ the idiot. I may have accepted my fate, but a smart guy should stay away from a dying man.

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**JPOV**

On Friday morning, I called Felix at work to let him know that I had actually enjoyed myself at the hospice and wanted to continue serving my time there. Truth was, I couldn't get Edward out of my head. He haunted my dreams, and I had this burning desire to see him again. Calling Felix was the first step. I couldn't just waltz in there any time I liked, so I wanted to schedule my next visit as soon as possible.

Unaware of my ulterior motives, Felix seemed happy about my choice, and I promised he wouldn't regret it. I needed him to agree to this. He explained to me that he had to accompany me for the first two months per hospital policy, and then I would have an evaluation to see if I could go on my own. Supervised still, but not with Felix watching my every move.

"But when we get to that point, you will need to make sure a staff member records when you are there. So don't think you can slack off. I'll know if you are keeping your end of the bargain. And if you aren't, you'll be back on trash duty faster than you can think."

"Yes sir. Understood."

"Good. Then I'll meet you at the hospice on Tuesday."

I opened my mouth to agree, and then realized four more days was much too long for me to wait. "Thing is, sir." I swallow, not knowing how my next statement would be received. "I was hoping to go earlier than that."

I wait. The silence on the other end of the line deafening.

Finally, there are sounds of typing and then his gruff voice. "You know, this doesn't finish your sentence any quicker. It's still six months even if you decide to go more often."

"Yes, sir." I bit my tongue to keep my explanations in check. The worst he could say was no.

I heard a weary sigh. "Well, I've got plans on Saturday, but I could go with you for a few hours on Sunday. Does that work?"

Although I was disappointed I couldn't go tomorrow, I recognized a gift when I saw one, and I knew I shouldn't push Felix at this stage. Besides, there were many things I still needed to settle in my life. "Yeah, I was planning on going job hunting today and tomorrow, so that works well."

"The typical schedule for volunteers is Tuesdays, Thursdays and the weekend. I know you know you are only required to go twice a week, but if you'd like to go more often, we'll try to work something out, okay?"

I remembered Angela mentioning the schedule and had already marked the days on my calendar. "Yeah, that sounds good. Then I'll see you Sunday?"

"Yeah, around two. By the way, do you need any pointers for where to look for a job?"

I sighed, knowing that potential employers were all a bit wary about hiring a guy who'd been in prison, but I was going to try anyway. "I think I'll see what I can do, sir. But if I strike out, I will definitely give you a call."

"Good. And, Jasper?"

"Yeah?"

He clears his throat. "I think you might actually be one of the good ones," he said in a quiet voice that I had to wonder if I heard correctly. "And, yeah, so see you Sunday."

"See you," I said, realizing a little too late I was already speaking to a dial tone.

I hung up, slightly confused but pleased. That went much better than I anticipated. Perhaps my first impressions of Felix weren't completely accurate. Maybe he wouldn't be living up to all the stereotypes of parole officers that enjoy making life harder for their charges. Although, I had a feeling that if I crossed him, he wouldn't hesitate to follow through on his threats.

I showered and tried to give myself a small pep talk in the mirror while I shaved. I needed this. I needed to prove that I could make it out here on my own, do my duty to society, and make something of my life. I splashed water on my face and dried it on a towel before straightening my back and staring at myself.

_Don't fuck this up, Jasper._

Nodding, I pulled on my best shirt and jeans, tied my hair back, and headed out the door. I stopped at a few local businesses: a hardware shop, a florist, and a bookstore. Unfortunately for me, it seemed that everyone had luckily found employees that day, or that I didn't really seem like the type they were looking for.

I remembered the looks last time I got into trouble and had a mark on my record, although then, I hadn't even gone to jail. This time was going to be more difficult, but after Thursday and this morning, I was even more determined to succeed.

Felix believed in me.

And I needed to see those green eyes again.

I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. The next store loomed in front of me with a small "Help Wanted" sign in the window. A sporting goods store.

One was just as good as any other. Walking in, there was a large man with buzz cut blond hair behind the counter flipping through an outdoor supply catalog. He gave me a small nod and straightened as I approached.

"Welcome to Newton's. Can I help you?"

"Yeah. My name's Jasper Whitlock, and I was wondering about the sign in the front window."

He gives me the once over, his gaze pausing on my hair. "Any experience?"

I wracked my brain, trying to remember the last legitimate job I had. This was further than I had gotten with any of the previous owners. "Cashier job for about nine months in high school."

He nodded. "How much can you lift?"

"I can bench about 300, actually." I smirked, thinking that jail actually did one thing good for me.

"Pounds? A skinny punk like you?"

I lost my smirk. "Yes, sir."

He nodded again. "You don't mind stocking? Or moving heavy shit for customers?"

"Not at all."

"Got any references that I might want to talk to?"

This was the moment that would decide everything, the moment I was required to reveal my past. "You'll need to talk to my parole officer."

His eyebrows raised, as if he wasn't actually expecting that. "Really? Well, yes, I guess I do. What's the officer's name?"

"Felix Ruiters. He's over at-"

"Oh, I know Felix," he said, waving a hand at me and leaning against the counter again. "Felix and I definitely know each other. What was your time for?"

I knew he'd get all the information he wanted from Felix; well, everything that was public record. And this guy seemed to be giving me a chance for some reason. "Robbery. Gang related."

He straightened again, his hands in fists and his knuckles white. "I don't want any of that stuff around here!"

I looked him straight in the eye. "Neither do I, sir."

He seemed to assess me again for a moment and then nodded twice. "Well, I'll see what Felix has to say about you. Why don't you stop by Monday morning? If he gives you the ok, then you can start that morning. If not..."

Now it was my turn to nod, and I held out my hand. "Thank you, Mister..."

"Newton," he said as his meaty paw wrapped around mine.

"Mr. Newton. Thank you, sir."

We shook hands, and I left with the sincere hope that Felix would give me a good recommendation.

With a potential job in the works, the rest of my afternoon was free. I decided to take advantage of the sunshine and the fact that I was now allowed to walk in it as much as I wanted. After living in a cell measured in feet for a year and a half, I appreciated any amount of blue sky and space. I wandered around the city that had always been my home, remembering the good times and trying to forget the bad.

I somehow found myself near my old high school, and I wondered briefly if I should ask Felix about actually getting my GED. As a teenager, I never saw the point to finishing school after my mom kicked me out of the house. My priorities shifted to survival; algebra was the furthest thing from my mind when I was working just to stay alive.

The small park across the street from the school was just as I remembered. I wandered over to sit on a bench, soaking up the sunshine and remembering how I would sit here after school waiting for my sister, Rosalie, to pick me up. I also remembered that this was the spot where I met Maria and her friends - where things started to go wrong.

Even though many months in jail taught me I couldn't blame everything that happened to me on others or circumstances, I still had problems not laying some of the responsibility at _her_ feet as well. I knew I chose to be friends with them despite their reputations. I chose to hide their drugs in my room and risk getting caught by my mother. I chose to run with them through the night and watch them terrorize the neighborhood. I chose to sit lookout while they robbed that store and messed up the cashier. I chose to lie to the police and take the heat for a crime I didn't commit.

I might not have actually done the drugs or terrorized people or robbed anyone, but I was there.

I was there because she had asked me.

And being there was enough.

I sighed and looked around, wondering where Rosalie was now. I knew our mother had died a couple years ago, the alcohol and cigarettes finally catching up to her. I hadn't seen Rosalie since the night I had been kicked out, but I'm sure it was no great loss for her to have me out of the way. She was finally rid of the little brother who was always a pain in her ass.

Rough laughter from across the park brought me out of my thoughts, and I looked up to find a three of Maria's gang approaching me. Vicky, Riley, and Jimmy: my least favorite group. Looking around, I knew it was too late to escape, and it would have just made things worse for me in the long run.

Taking a deep breath, I stood, ready to face them head on.

Jimmy recognized me first. "Hey! Jazz! When'd you get out?"

"Just a few days ago. Been laying low."

"Why haven't you come by? Maria misses you," Vicky added with a wink and a smile, earning a scowl from Jimmy.

"Yeah, why haven't we seen you? You too good for us now or something?" Riley asked, shoving me in the arm. They started circling me, drawing me into their group again.

I put up my hands to show I was unarmed and to block anything they might throw at me. "No, nothing like that. I just don't want any trouble."

Then they all spoke on top of each other while continuing to circle, their fists punching my arms and back as their words tried to pull me back into the life I'd left behind.

"Aw, come on, Jazz."

"It's no trouble, just come with us."

"We've got a little job to do tonight, and you could help us."

For a moment, I thought of how simple it would be, how simple to go back to my life, to be back with Maria and the rest of my friends. Then I realized how disappointed and angry Felix would be. And I would never see Edward again, would never have the chance to talk to him.

I shook my head and pushed Riley away, stepping from their circle. "No! I'm done with the gang. I've got no more chances left. Next time, I'll be put away for good."

They all stopped cold.

"Maria knows you took that time for her. She'd welcome you back," Vicky offered, the purr returning to her voice.

"I'm not coming back. Tell her that if she feels she owes me, then she can just leave me the fuck alone." I stepped toward Jimmy whose face had turned from ugly to uglier. I raised my fists, confident that I could fight well enough to at least make my escape - the other thing that jail taught me. "_All _of you leave me alone."

In the stunned silence that followed, I backed away until I was sure I was safe. Then I turned and walked away. A few steps later, they began to yell again, their continued taunts and jeers fading into the distance as I rounded the corner.

But at least they didn't follow me. I was safe.

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><p><strong>Shameless plug<strong>: I'm judging the **Age of Jasper contest**. It's any Jasper you can think of before 1990: 1980s Punk-sper, 1920s Great Gasper, 1860s Pony Express-sper, 300BC Gladiator-sper, and everything in between. Please write or pimp, because we all need more amazing Jaspers. Search for Age of Jasper in FFn or through Google even and see the details!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Wow, the response has been amazing to this so far. Thank you so much to all of you that are leaving me your thoughts. Huge hugs and smooches to LyricalKris who is holding my hand through this whole thing. Oh, and doing a bit of beta work.

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**Chapter 3**

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**Excerpt from Edward's Journal **- _June 7, 2011_

I don't understand him at all. I tried to avoid the possibility of seeing him after I realized I am obviously too close already. But he somehow found me.

And at this very moment, he's trying my resolve to completely ignore him. As I write this, he is sitting here next to me talking and talking. I am not giving him any encouragement, and I'm certainly not listening to every word he's saying, his slow, southern accent becoming more pronounced the more he talks.

As his soft voice describes his life, I feel like I could listen to him forever, even when he talks about his sorrows, his mistakes.

Don't we all have secret sorrows? Haven't we all made mistakes?

Could I risk him being one of mine?

..

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**JPOV**

Sunday couldn't come fast enough. After running into Jimmy and his two puppy dogs on Friday, I laid low on Saturday, avoiding old neighborhoods and attempting to disappear for a little while. I knew it wouldn't last; eventually I would have to confront my past and put it to rest, but right now I just needed to get my feet under me again.

I only left my apartment to run to the corner store, grabbing the necessities for the next few meals, and then sat my ass in front of the television and enjoyed a day of nothing. Sitting there on the couch, I did have one thought that kept circling my brain.

Okay, two thoughts.

One, I really needed to buy another guitar. A lazy weekend was the perfect time to be fiddling with some tunes, playing chords, just strumming absolutely nothing. I missed it, and that would be one of my first purchases once I had a paycheck.

And two, the one that couldn't seem to leave my thoughts for more than a couple minutes. Edward. Although we had only spoken for a few brief moments, his presence seemed to become larger and larger the more time had passed.

I changed the channel again, finding some kind of action movie and settling back against the couch. Tomorrow couldn't come quickly enough.

~0~

Sunday afternoon found me pacing the parking lot of Trinity Hospice Center, waiting not-so-patiently for Felix to arrive. I glanced at my watch again - five to two. I turned again and saw a woman by the door, smiling at me and waving. I recognized Angela from my last visit and walked over to say hello.

"Hello, Jasper. It's good to see you again."

"Thanks, Angela. I'm just waiting for Felix."

"Oh, well you can come inside if you'd like. I brought cookies." She gestured at the open door, and I glanced in that direction.

"I think I'm supposed to wait out here." Protocol dictated I had to be within sight of my parole officer for the first few visits.

She smiled then and touched my arm. "You can do what you like, Jasper, but I don't see any harm in you having a cookie."

I hesitated, unsure what to do in this situation, unsure about being accepted by her. Her smile never faltered, and she gently hooked her arm through mine.

"Come on. I'll take any heat from Felix."

I nodded and followed her inside to the same room we met in before. She led me to a small table with water, punch and some cookies, and proceeded to lift the plate to offer me one. I took a chocolate chip cookie with a mumbled 'thank you'. She smiled at me, but then left me to my own devices as another couple entered the room, and she went to introduce herself.

I sat near the door so Felix would be sure to see me, and see me he did.

Two minutes later, a red-faced Felix entered the room and immediately confronted me, standing over me like a giant. "I told you to wait outside, Mr Whitlock. Did you think I was joking?"

I shifted in my seat under his scrutiny. "No, sir. I'm sorry, sir."

He bent down so our faces were even, his finger pointing at me as I cringed. "I will only give you so many chances to do right by me, Whitlock. Don't let stupid things like this mess up your life."

"Excuse me, Felix," Angela's voice came from behind him.

"Not now, Angela. I need to talk to Jasper for a moment."

"Well, it concerns me, too."

Felix straightened and turned. "Oh, does it?"

"Yes, it does," she affirmed, not backing down. "I dragged him inside even though he protested. _I'm_ the reason he's in here."

He glanced between the two of us, crossed his arms, then opened his mouth as if to speak, but Angela got there first.

"Yell at me if you'd like, but Jasper shouldn't be blamed for this one."

Felix sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Jasper, please just do as you're told from now on."

"Yes, sir," I answered earnestly. I wouldn't move from that spot for anything now.

"And Angela, please don't interfere."

She opened her mouth to protest, but Felix just held up one meaty hand. "Please, Angela."

She looked between the two of us and finally nodded. "I have to start the orientation. Help yourself to cookies." She smiled one last time and hustled to the front to start the session.

Felix sat next to me and we listened to Angela outline what we could and couldn't do again. She also mentioned that a few of the patients could be visited in their private rooms, and the nurses would provide the room numbers. We were finally released, and I followed the group to the common room, keeping my eyes open to locate Edward.

I noticed more about the patients even though I didn't see the one I was looking for. Many were in wheelchairs, some with scarves around their heads, others with IVs on stands, but all of them looked tired. So, so tired.

I walked toward the couch by the large window, hoping to see a familiar face. Instead, I found Miss Celie there in a wheelchair, her knitting on her lap and her face turned towards the view outside.

"Miss Celie? How are you today?" I said as I approached and almost took a step back as she turned toward me.

"Oh, Jasper. How nice to see you." She smiled, but it didn't erase the dark lines around her eyes. She gestured to the chair and folded her hands back in her lap. "I've been better, that's for sure. How are you?"

"I've been-" I followed her gaze out to the lawn, and there, tucked behind the trunk of a giant oak, was the one I was looking for. I cleared my throat and turned my attention back to her. "I've been pretty good, actually. I might have found a job."

"That's great news, dear. And, although I'm sure I would love your company, I think there's someone out there you'd rather visit." She smiled at me as I started. "It's written all over your face, young man. Plus, I think he needs you more."

"But, Miss Celie-"

"I'll be fine. I'll get that nice young man who joined you to come talk to me."

I glanced over at Felix who was still standing by the wall. I waved at him, and he traversed the room and was soon joining us by the window.

"Felix, this is Miss Celie. She was-"

Miss Celie, interrupted me again, her smile wide as Felix grasped her hand. "Oh, dear me. I was hoping you might visit with me while Jasper here looks in on the young patient out there by that oak tree. Do you think that might be agreeable?"

Felix looked between the old woman and the tree outside, then finally fixed me with his gaze. "We can try it, but stay in sight."

I leapt to my feet, eager to talk to Edward again. "Thank you, Miss Celie," I said, kissing her on her warm, soft cheek and then turning to Felix. "And I will, sir. I'll stay right where you can see me the entire time."

I rushed outside, the warm air a pleasant balm after the air conditioned common room. I could see Edward's feet beyond the tree, but approached him from the side where Felix could keep me in view. I knew not to press anything with him, and wanted to show that I could follow the rules.

As I approached, I noticed Edward paused in his writing, not looking up to see me, but definitely noticing my approach. His notebook was propped on his knees as he furiously scribbled across its pages.

"Hey Edward. Do you mind if I join you?"

No response this time, so I sat next to him, tilting my head back to feel the sun on my face and just breathe in another moment of freedom.

"Beautiful day, isn't it?"

Again, no answer but a slight pause in the movement of his hand across the page. I took it as a sign of encouragement and began to talk. I didn't know what it was about him, but for some reason, I didn't hold anything back.

I couldn't figure out why, but I felt like I could tell him anything, and I wouldn't be judged, that he would listen with fairness. I started with why I was at the hospice volunteering, that it was a duty I owed, a sentence after my jail time. Beyond explaining Felix's presence, I wanted him to know why I was here and what my motivations were for visiting when I did. I took a long pause, looking over the grounds and waited for a response, waited for him to walk away from me.

He did neither.

So I continued, telling him why I was in jail and why I took the blame for something I didn't even witness. There was no response again, but I was enjoying his quiet company and being outside, so I continued to tell him my life story. I watched the sun filter through the trees, watched scrawny squirrels search for nuts in the lawn, and the lazy circles of hawks in the cloudless sky, talking the entire time.

Every larger revelation would result in a shift in Edward's position or a pause in his writing, but no words were spoken. I told him how I was a member of a fairly violent gang and how I became the person I was when I got arrested. There were many moments I skipped over, my family life a large part of that, but I didn't need to unload everything in this one afternoon.

"I'm not entirely proud of who I was when I was arrested, but at the time, it was all the family I had." I shrugged, tilting my head back to feel the sun on my face. "Maybe going to jail happened at the right time for me, before I was in too deep. I feel like I have a second chance now, and maybe fate is smiling on me. You ever feel like that?"

I looked over at Edward, and he was looking at me, his green eyes soft but unreadable. He shook his head, then returned to his writing. I had hoped we were making a connection, but I wondered if I was just making a fool out of myself, telling this dying man all my problems. I didn't know what else I could do to get to know him.

Unfortunately, at that moment, I saw that Felix was standing next to the window, and he gestured for me to come inside when he noticed I was looking.

"Looks like I have to go, Edward." He turned to me then, a questioning look in his eyes. "The boss man over there is calling me inside. But I actually had a good time sitting out here and talking with... well, I guess, more at you. It's so strange, but I feel like I could tell you anything, and you won't judge me like everyone else does." I stand and stretch and then look down at this young man, his head still bent over the pages of his journal. "I hope you let me return the favor someday."

I held out my hand to him, hoping I would get some response from him. After a few awkward seconds, I dropped my arm back to my side.

"Well, thanks, Edward. I really enjoyed talking to you. I hope to see you again next time."

I began to walk away, but behind me I heard the most beautiful words ever spoken. "I'd like that."

When I joined Felix, I couldn't keep the grin off my face as I wished Miss Celie a good day, and we walked out to the parking lot.

"So, Tuesday?" Felix asked as he reached his car.

I smiled wider. "Yes, sir. See you then."


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thank you for your continued support and lovely reviews. Big hugs and squishes to LyricalKris for helping with this chapter. It was a struggle for me to write this one, but I think I worked it out. Also, I posted a new slashy, cute one-shot if you need a smile.

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**Chapter 4**

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**Excerpt from Edward's journal** - _July 2, 2011_

The last few days have been a confusing mess with time seeming to stop for long periods and then speed passed in a blur of people and doctors and family. I don't know how I can face today, how I plan to stand there and see them, see him, and not completely break.

But I am one of the stronger ones from the hospice, one of the few that can make the trip. Plus, who else would remember that her favorite flowers, lantanas, were in bloom and take her the first bouquet?

Right now, I know I'm putting off the inevitable by sitting here on our sofa and writing, but this is one of those moments that I wish I wasn't so alone.

And here I feel somehow closer to her, like I can feel her presence watching over me.

I miss her.

..

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**JPOV**

My alarm startled me from a dream, and I was thankful for the interruption. Recently, my dreams had become nightmares, often involving me fighting some dark, unseen creature while Edward was dying behind it. I was not one for interpreting dreams, but this one didn't seem to be difficult. I was in deep, and there was no easy way out.

Not that I really wanted a way out, but the last month had been wonderful and heartbreaking.

After that first one-sided and slightly awkward conversation, I returned and, surprisingly, found him ready to talk back. It seemed like he had finally opened up to me, and I couldn't have been more happy. We discussed politics, books, movies, and music, his taste just as varied as mine. I told him about my new job at Newtons, and we traded stories about horrible bosses and the worst jobs. He clinched it with a surprising stint as a telemarketer during college.

We tended to stay away from difficult subjects, his words disappearing if I asked about anything deeper. He did let slip that he was originally from Chicago, but had come to Texas for college and never left. He said he couldn't find anything like Southern hospitality up north, and had only left to visit his parents on holidays.

At the first mention of his family, I jumped at the opportunity to ask more. "Why don't they visit more often, Edward? I would think you'd want to be with them."

He visibly stiffened, and I knew at once that I'd gone too far. "I'm sorry. I-"

He held up his hand to stop my apology. I held my breath as he started to speak, his words quiet and slow.

"I have no family. My parents died while I was in college. Freak snow storm and a white-out on the highway." He pulled at the grass next to him, avoiding my shocked look. "At least they didn't suffer."

As much as I wanted to pull him into my arms in that moment, I knew it would only drive him away.

Instead, I opened up to him, telling him about my family, that were all either dead or missing. He listened intently, his attack on the lawn lessening as he realized we had one more thing in common: we were both orphans. He didn't elaborate further about his family and we never spoke about it again. The entire conversation left me with more questions and a stronger desire to know what else he had hidden behind his serious eyes and quiet words.

Unfortunately, I hadn't had a chance for another visit with Edward since that afternoon. As we grew closer and closer over the weeks, we also watched Miss Celie grow weaker and weaker, her body quickly losing the battle to the cancer in her brain.

The last time I visited, last Tuesday, she couldn't make it out of her rooms. I stopped in to say hello, but there were many people with her, family members and loved ones saying their goodbyes. I hadn't felt right intruding on their space, but I wished that I had at least squeezed her hand and let her know I was there.

That day, Edward and I sat quietly together on the sofa, not venturing outside and not talking. I wanted him to know he wasn't alone.

Today was Saturday, and today we all would say goodbye.

I showered and dressed, and soon I stood before the bathroom mirror, straightening my tie one last time. Luckily for me, Felix took pity on me and showed me how to properly tie a knot. Wearing a tie was definitely not one of the skills I had, and I wanted to look good today.

A sharp knock at my front door alerted me that Felix had arrived. He no longer had to accompany me everywhere, but I needed the ride. My motorcycle was definitely a cost effective option for getting around, but not the best for wearing a suit. I opened the door to find him similarly attired, his broad shoulders pushing the boundaries of his suit jacket.

"Nice suit," he said, nodding at me. "I assumed Newton was paying you decently, but you must be doing well."

"This is second hand, and about all I can afford right now and still pay the rent. But he's not cheating me."

His eyes softened as I called him out on his round about comment, but then he nodded. I smiled as I grabbed my keys, happy I was beginning to understand his ways.

"Don't get too cocky over there."

He laughed as my smile fell, but then he clapped me on the back and all was well.

I followed him out to his car and thought about what had gotten me to this point. So much had changed in the last few weeks, and yet so much was the same. Felix was still a man of few words and not one to cross, but I had discovered that under the gruffness was a heart of gold.

I often wondered how he had read me so well in that first meeting, understood what I wanted and needed before I did. Volunteering at the hospice has been one of the best experiences of my life, even if this week was difficult. I hoped he could see that, and I hoped I kept him proud.

We rode in silence, Felix only commenting once when we pulled into the fairly full parking lot. "Here we are, Miss Celie's church."

"She'd always gone here?"

"From what I understand, she was baptized and married in this church, along with all of her children. Now she will find her peace here, just as she wanted."

I rubbed at my chest, an uncomfortable ache growing there as I joined him on the sidewalk. Approaching the large Baptist church, I could already hear the organ's melancholy chords. A young man with Miss Celie's eyes opened the front door, and we entered to find the pews filled with family and friends, even a few I recognized from the hospice. We found seats near the back and settled in to listen to the service.

I listened to the pastor as he spoke of Miss Celie, her family and her accomplishments. He told us all to focus on celebrating her life instead of mourning her death.

"We are all saddened that she is no longer with us, but she is also no longer suffering and is at peace in the hands of God. Her life was devoted to helping people and making people feel better, let us resolve to not let her death change that."

Several people read Bible passages, most of them family members, who also told stories of her influence on their lives. I sat there and realized that even though I'd only known her a few weeks, she had influenced my life as well.

Her support that first day was exactly what I needed to feel like I belonged there, and her encouragement to talk to Edward was priceless. After that second afternoon, when I completely made a fool of myself with him, she was the one that divulged how often Edward talked about me when I wasn't there, how often he mentioned me in casual conversation. She gave me the courage to talk to him again, to try to break down his self-imposed barriers.

As if on cue, the person sitting in front of me shifted, and I could see Edward and his telltale red hair a few pews ahead and to the left. His head was bent and his eyes closed as if in prayer, although I didn't think he was particularly religious.

After I had spotted Edward, I couldn't seem to keep my eyes off of him, drinking in the sight of him like I hadn't seen him in months. He shifted in his seat every few seconds and ran his hand through his hair, his telltale signs of anxiety. I knew he and Miss Celie had been close, but as the nurses at the hospice had explained, death was a common and expected occurrence. I didn't know how hard her death would hit him, but he seemed to be struggling. By the time the service ended, I wanted nothing more than to comfort him somehow and try to take away his pain.

I excused myself from Felix as he began talking to Angela, and followed Edward with the rest of the congregation to the gravesite. I tried to match his long strides but soon fell behind.

As we gathered around Miss Celie's grave, I was finally able to maneuver so that I stood close to Edward. His head was bent again and his shoulders were hunched and tense, as if he held the weight of the world. I wanted to take some of the burden from him, but I still didn't know how that would be received. We spent so much time together, but hardly touched and I was still worried about frightening him away again.

I barely noticed the ceremony as engrossed as I was in Edward's every move, but soon people were walking forward to put flowers on the casket before it was lowered into the ground. Most of the mourners dispersed, but Edward went forward, placing a beautiful bouquet of flowers on the casket and handing a small package to Miss Celie's son.

Edward walked quickly away, but I stood and watched the man opening the wrapping. A fresh sob escaped his lips as he revealed the baby's blanket that Miss Celie had been knitting. The man stood and hugged the people around him, and I watched as Edward kept walking, moving further into the graveyard and away from everyone.

As if drawn to him, I followed, not wanting him to be alone at a time like this. He stopped at a stone bench, lowering himself onto it slowly but still facing away from me. I approached cautiously, but knew I could be nowhere else but here.

"Edward?"

He moved slightly, as if startled, but didn't say a word.

"May I join you?"

He shrugged, but slid over, giving me space on the small bench. I sat next to him and looked out across the gravestones to the forest beyond.

"That was a nice thing you did back there."

He shrugged again, but then sighed. "It was better than them receiving it shoved in a box of her effects. That blanket was made by her hands, and they needed to have it. I just wish she could have finished it."

"She didn't?" I thought about my last few visits, picturing Miss Celie in her wheelchair, chatting and smiling, the blanket and yarn on her lap. But as I thought about it more, I realized I hadn't seen her actually knitting.

"Her fine motor skills were deteriorating more and more. The brain tumor just-" Edward turned away, pressing his palms into his eyes.

I risked placing a hand on his shaking shoulder, hoping my touch offered some comfort. "It's okay. She's not in pain any longer."

He rounded on me suddenly, his eyes red and his lip trembling. "That's not it! Don't you fucking get it? She's gone! They're all gone!"

His outburst stunned me at first. I had seen him quiet and withdrawn a few times, but he seemed to avoid confrontation or emotions, especially at the hospice.

I had no idea what to say. This was my first funeral, and I really didn't know what I was doing. "Sometimes it's just a person's time, Edward."

"Yes, I know that. If there's one thing the hospice has taught me, it's that," he said with a defeated sigh. "What I don't know is why you spend time with me at all, why you want to be my friend."

"You don't?" Now I was really at a loss for words. "Don't we get along?"

"Yes, we get along! That's the problem!"

"I don't see-"

"Don't you get it? I'm _dying_!" He waved at the gravestones surrounding us. "You'll be faced with this same scene if you stick around."

"Edward, we're all dying. Maybe not with some incurable disease, but each day brings us closer to our own deaths. I won't live in fear of what tomorrow may bring, I plan to just enjoy today."

"I can't put you through that. I won't. I just want to be left alone." He turned away from me then, but I wouldn't let him dismiss me so easily.

I put my hand on his shoulder again. "No."

His head whipped around, anger in his eyes and color on his cheeks. "Why the fuck do you care? I'm just some community service to you! You're just a..."

"A what? A thief? A criminal?" I could handle his pushing me away or anger at his situation, but I would not allow him to attack me. "You think you have me all figured out?" I stood and glared down at him for a few seconds before turning and walking away. I knew if I stood there, I would say something I would regret.

I was only a few yards away when I heard his voice behind me.

"Wait!"

I turned and found him standing, his chest heaving. "Why are you doing this?" he asked quietly, his eyes searching mine.

I took a few steps towards him, taking a chance, risking everything, but needing him to know exactly what was in my head. "Because I'm falling for you."

So many emotions crossed his face, I couldn't follow all of them, sadness, shock, happiness, horror. "You can't..."

"I can and I have." I took another step forward and he didn't retreat.

He clenched his hands at his sides, his jaw set. "But I'm sick."

"Yes, but I'm here for you. I want to be here for you."

As soon as the words left my mouth he crumpled onto the ground, his hands not hiding the raw pain in his sobs. Instantly, I was by his side, kneeling on the grass and wrapping him in my arms. "Shh, I'm here, Edward. I'm here."

I continued murmuring nonsense, rubbing his back and running my fingers through the hair at his neck.

After a few minutes, he lifted his head, my arms still around his shoulders. He gazed at me, his eyes uncertain and his cheeks damp. "You shouldn't be here," he whispered.

"There's no place I'd rather be." I used my thumb to wipe away the tears on his cheeks. I felt like I could feel his pain, his tears were my tears and just touching him was a balm on my heart.

His mouth quivered, and I wanted so badly to press my lips to his but remained still, touching his face and just holding him in my arms.

After a moment, he shifted and faced me, his hands touching my shoulder and neck, and his gaze resting on my lips. "Please tell me to stop."

I couldn't believe what seemed to be happening. I had hoped and dreamed of this moment, and there was no way I was going to tell him to stop. For one painful second, I thought he was going to stop himself, but then he pulled my body flush with his, and his lips crashed into mine. There was no hesitation once initial contact was made, and for once I felt like there were no walls between us. I could feel everything. We were all wandering hands and eager mouths, and I only stopped to breathe when his lips crawled over my jaw to my neck.

I risked opening my eyes for a moment, scared this might be another of my dreams, and found we were still in the graveyard. And as much as I didn't ever want to stop us kissing or touching, this was a less than appropriate place.

"Edward, we need to stop."

He pulled back instantly, and I could almost hear his walls slam back into place. "Of course. I'm sorry-"

"No." I placed a single finger on his lips to stop his apology. "There is nothing to be sorry for. I want this." I gestured between the two of us. "I want this more than anything, but not here."

He looked around, then smiled. "Yeah, okay."

I gave him one more chaste kiss then stood and pulled him to his feet. He laced his fingers with mine and smiled again. "Come back to the hospice with me? There's something I'd like to show you."

There were logistics to work out as Felix had driven me to the funeral, but I couldn't deny Edward anything. "Yeah, sure." I squeezed his hand in mine. "Lead the way."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thank you so much for all your support. It's been amazing and definitely made it a little easier to write this. Big thanks to LyricalKris for getting this beta-ed so quickly and helping me smooth out some wrinkles.

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**Chapter 5**

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**Excerpt from Edward's Journal **- _July 2, 2011 (evening)_

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I want him, God knows I want him, but I don't want this life for him. I don't want him waiting for me to die, to keep hope when there is none, to stand in a graveyard watching my coffin disappear into the earth.

But as selfish at it might be, I'm happy when he is close, and I want him here with me. I feel like I could face anything when he holds my hand, and when he kisses me... I could fly. And tonight, after everything, he didn't run or moan about the fairness of the world, he just held me and listened.

And the best part of the entire night? When he said yes.

..

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**JPOV**

We walked back to the church to find both Felix and Angela standing outside waiting for us. Angela smiled at us, but Felix was frowning.

"Where have you been?" he asked as soon as we were closer. "I've been looking everywhere.

I opened my mouth to explain, but Edward was just a moment faster.

"It's not his fault, sir. I asked him to walk with me. I hope that was okay."

Felix's face reflected an inner war between his irritation at me and his soft spot for anyone from the hospice, especially today. Finally, he gave a stiff smile. "It's alright, kid. Just glad you two weren't lost." He looked between the two of us for a moment then sighed. "You ready to go then?"

"Actually-"

I quickly interrupted Edward. "Yeah, I'll be right there."

Felix glanced one last time at us then nodded, turning toward the parking lot and taking Angela with him.

As soon as they were out of earshot, I faced Edward, knowing what I would find. The hurt was plain in his eyes, and I hated that I put it there. "I'm going with Felix so I can grab my bike, and I won't have to take a cab later to get home. Also I can change out of this suit." I pulled the tie at my neck to emphasize my point.

Edward smiled and straightened my tie again, his eyes roving over my body almost possessively. "I like you in that suit, but I understand. Go with Felix, and I'll see you in an hour?"

I gave him a quick kiss, glad that I had the freedom to do so now, and squeezed his hand that was still in mine. "Or sooner, if I can."

We walked together to the parking lot and climbed into our respective rides' cars. He and Angela waved as they drove past, and Felix started the engine.

As Felix pulled onto the street, he glanced over at me. "Wanna tell me what that smile is all about?"

I hadn't even realized I was smiling. "Not particularly."

"Nothing to do with Edward, I suppose."

I was about to shake my head, but then thought better of it, because it was everything to do with him. "Yeah, it does."

We drove in silence for a most of the trip home, me happily looking out the window and Felix keeping his thoughts to himself as usual.

He cleared his throat as he turned onto my street. "You know that kid is sick, right?"

My smile was immediately gone, that one thought bringing forth my greatest fear. I swallowed, my mouth suddenly dry. "Yeah."

"I know he doesn't look it, but he's at that hospice for a reason, Jasper."

"Yeah. I won't hurt him, if that's what you're worried about."

Felix pulled into the parking lot and threw the car into park before turning in his seat. "Listen, kid, I probably should be worried about him, but I'm more worried about you. I don't want _you_ to get hurt. You've had enough shit in your life to let this-"

"What do you mean? Just because he's sick?"

He took a deep breath and looked out the windshield again. "If you get involved with Edward, it won't be easy. You've got to be careful-"

"I'll be careful," I said through my teeth, my hands clenched into fists.

"Easy, Jasper. I'm not saying you wouldn't be. It's just that you are finally getting your life back together, and there's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself for a little while."

"I like being with Edward. He makes everything seem better. If I only have a few days or weeks with him, then I want to be with him. Nothing would change that now."

Felix leaned back into his seat, his eyes searching mine. "Okay, Jasper. Just, if you need anything..."

I unbuckled my seatbelt and opened the door, done with his advice, even though I was sure he meant well. "Thanks, sir. I'll be sure to ask."

He leaned over as I climbed out of his car. "See you Tuesday for our last supervised visit?"

"Yup. See you then!" I shut the door and waved at him as he pulled away, his words still filling my head. Perhaps Felix didn't have everything right about Edward and me, but I knew I had to be careful for both of us.

If the graveyard was any indication, though, I was already in over my head.

~00~

By the time I arrived at the hospice, the volunteers were showing up for the regular Saturday session. For a moment, it seemed bizarre. The funeral had just ended, but the other hospice activities needed to continue. I nodded to a couple of regulars I saw at the entrance, and then hurried past them into the common area. Many of the patients looked up as I entered and some smiled, but I didn't see the one face I was looking for. I scanned the room over and over, but he just wasn't there.

I took a deep breath and began preparing my reasons for why I needed to know where Edward Masen's room was and why I wasn't with Felix this time. Then I turned, and he was there, leaning against the doorway. His smirk faded as I stalked over to him.

"There you are!" I didn't know where it came from, but I was suddenly so irritated at him standing there smugly watching me as I grew more agitated.

His smile completely disappeared. "Where else would I be?"

I huffed and was about to explain that people should be where they were supposed to be, when he grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly.

His gaze locked with mine. "I'm here, Jasper. Sorry I was late."

I couldn't stay mad at him with his wide, green eyes and his little pout. I wasn't even entirely sure what I was angry about, but it wasn't as important as his hand in mine. "It's fine. I'm sorry I overreacted. What was it you wanted to show me?"

His smile returned at those words and he pulled me down the long hallway towards the patients' rooms, occasionally glancing back at me. Around two corners, he finally stopped in front of a white door the same as all the others except for his name on the small placard by the room number. The excitement and anticipation on his face when he looked at me was impossible to resist, and I glanced quickly both directions down the empty hallway before I leaned forward and kissed him, his warm lips pressing into mine as I pushed him back against his door.

How had I waited so long to kiss him before today? God knew I had been wanting to for some time, and now there was no way I could stop.

He gasped against my mouth as my fingers edged under his shirt and touched the skin at his waist. He pulled back for a moment and pressed a hand to my chest. "Jasper, we are mere inches away from my private room. So..." He raised his eyebrows.

I took the hint and turned the knob, sending us both stumbling into his room.

I had only time to notice how small the space was before I tripped and pulled us both down. He caught himself against the edge of the bed while I fell sideways across a upholstered chair. I glanced up at him pulling himself up, and I burst out laughing, all the tension and stress of the last few days bubbling over. The situation wasn't that funny, but I couldn't contain the emotions any longer. When I finally was able to stifle my chuckles, wipe my tears, and sit up in the chair, I found Edward in a similar state on his bed. He was curled sideways, facing me and wiping similar tears from his face, his mouth still twitching with mirth.

He propped himself up on one elbow, still facing me. "I don't remember the last time I laughed like that."

I frowned, thinking hard. "You know what? Me neither."

"I totally needed that."

I wanted to join him on the bed, but trying to stand was a bigger effort than I realized. I had to gather momentum to launch myself out of the squashy chair that seemed to be fighting me for every inch. By the time I extricated myself, Edward was again laughing.

"Laugh it up, chucklehead." I sat next to him on the bed, and he immediately quieted. "So, we're here now. In your private room."

His fingers played with a worn spot in the patchwork quilt he was laying on. "Yeah."

"Don't tell me you're going to be shy now?" I said with a smirk.

He looked up at me then, and his face was so serious with a tinge of nervousness. "Uh, no. I just wanted to show you something first."

That got my attention. Even though we had talked about many things, there was still so much I didn't know about him. I didn't want to push him away, but I had shared almost everything with him, and I only found out about his parents' deaths today. Hell, I didn't even know what illness brought him to Trinity Hospice.

I'd do anything to learn more about him. "I'd love to see it; whatever it is."

He gestured around us, and I glanced up. And then I stared.

Covering every available space of the walls and the sides of cupboards and the wardrobe were drawings and sketches and paintings, hundreds of them.

Sketches and paintings of people.

Portraits with the signature 'E Masen.'

"You did these?" I glanced back at him and saw him nod, his eyes never leaving mine. "Wow."

I stood and walked to the nearest wall, and I realized I recognized some of the faces. There was Miss Celie knitting by the large window. And Angela writing a letter for another patient. And Felix sitting imposingly against the wall.

And me.

Me looking away. Me talking with my hands in the air. Me smiling. Me kissing Miss Celie's cheek. Me walking away.

My breath caught in my throat as I found one with me staring right out of the page, an almost smile on my face. I knew I had been looking at Edward in that moment, and I could see what I had been feeling. "They're beautiful."

I heard him shift behind me and then felt his warm presence along my back. Somehow I resisted leaning into him, but only just.

"They're of the people that mean the most to me." His hand came past my shoulder to point to a specific painting, a beautiful, young girl with a pale yellow bandana around her head and the widest, chocolate brown eyes. "That's Bella. She was with me at the first hospital."

I nodded, noting again the girl's choice of hat. "Did she have cancer?"

"Yeah. She was 11 and I was 14." He sighed and his breath tickled the back of my neck. "She didn't make it."

I wanted to turn around and comfort him, but something made me stay in place. His hand moved, pointing to another sketch. "That's Benjamin, he was at the eighth hospital."

This one had a different style than the last, harsh charcoal lines, dark shading, more greys and blacks and less color. I wondered if the painting reflected more of the subject or the painter. Most likely, it was a little of both. It showed a tall, gangly teenager sitting in a hospital bed, his unruly, too-long hair falling into his face.

"How old were you?" I kept the question simple, wanting to know so much more, but wanting to take this as slow as he needed.

"Sixteen, and so was he." Edward took a deep breath and his arms slid around my waist. I held his arms to me and leaned back into his embrace, giving as much comfort as I could in this position. "He was my first kiss."

I stiffened reflexively, not wanting to think about anyone else having touched Edward's lips before, although I knew it was unrealistic. At our age, I was sure we'd both had our fair share of experiences.

"He said he didn't want to die without having had a kiss."

And didn't I feel like an ass then.

"I'm sorry, Edward."

"Why? I'm not." I felt him shrug behind me. "Benjamin was the closest thing I had to a friend in that place, and we both thought we were dying. Turns out he wasn't that great of a kisser, but I learned I was definitely gay in that moment, and he... definitely wasn't."

"What happened to him?"

"As far as I know, he's still in that hospital in California."

I felt another twinge of jealousy, but stamped it down. "Do you still keep in touch?"

"Jasper," he began, then swallowed thickly.

I turned in his arms then, ignoring his protests. When I could see him, I was glad I had. I place my hands on his face, wiping the stray tears that trailed over his cheeks. "What is it?"

"Benjamin and I..." He swallowed again and looked at some point over my shoulder. "That portrait above him is Carlisle."

I didn't turn, his reactions more important than seeing the painting of another man in Edward's life.

"He's my doctor, our doctor." His gaze returned to mine, eyes searching my face. "Benjamin and I have similar diseases, but somehow I am able to function better than he can."

I led him over to the bed, needing to be more comfortable and to just hold him as tightly as I could as he told this story. I sat with my back against the headboard and pulled him into my lap, sitting him sideways so I could see his face, but wrapping my arms around him to keep him close.

"I had my first attack when I was 12, but the doctor thought it was just a viral infection and it passed, so no one thought anything of it. My next attack put me in the hospital for six weeks." He gestured to the little girl in the painting. "That's when I met Bella."

"After that, the attacks became more regular, and I went to specialist after specialist, finally finding a immunologist who gave us a sliver of hope. He thought that I had a disease similar to another teenager he was treating. We went to California with thoughts of treatment and cures."

His voice was becoming softer and softer, and I heard the pain in it even though he was speaking about hope and cures.

"What happened in California?"

"My parents and I flew out there and met with Benjamin and Carlisle. Benjamin was being treated and his attacks were less frequent, but nothing was slowing the actual progression of the disease. Slowly, his organs were shutting down without a definable cause, same as me, although his disease was further along than mine. This is when I found out "idiopathic" is just a fancy word for 'who the fuck knows.'

"We tried everything and by the time I was 18, it was clear no one was closer to a cure than the day I walked into that place. So, I walked out. I walked away from the testing and the never-ending poking and prodding and scanning. I refused to be a medical mystery stuck in a hospital for whatever remained of my life. I left, went to college and lived, but Benjamin was never healthy enough to be released. The only reason I think he's still alive is I believe Carlisle would tell me if he wasn't and try to persuade me to return."

He turned to me then, his eyes filled with anger. "I walked away from Carlisle five years ago, and the disease is finally catching up to me. I still refuse to go to a hospital, but without my parents I couldn't take care of myself any longer. I don't know how much time I have left, but I want to spend it under my tree, feeling the sun on my face and breathing the air. I want to be free."

I remembered sitting outside with him those first few visits and how much I had appreciated those same things. "I know what you mean." He looked up at me sharply, and I shook my head. "Not that I have some unknown disease, but I know what you mean about freedom. When sunshine is taken away from you, it changes everything."

He nodded and leaned against my shoulder. "This is my choice, Jasper. Peace and quiet are my choices."

I kissed the top of his head and held him tight. "I understand."

We sat like that for a long time, just touching and holding and feeling each others warmth. Eventually he lifted his head and stretched forward, pressing his lips to mine softly. "I knew you would understand."

A soft knock on the door broke the moment, and I looked up to see the door opening and Angela walking in. Edward scrambled off me, his face flushing as I felt my own heating.

She smiled broadly. "Well, well, gentlemen. I was just coming to warn Edward that he's almost missing dinner, but if I'm interrupting..."

"Yes!" Edward glanced at me and blushed again. "No... um."

I took pity on him and smiled up at Angela. "It's fine. We just lost track of the time. I'm sure Edward needs his dinner. Thank you for letting us know."

"I'll just leave you two, then." She began to close the door, but then stuck her head back in. "Dinner is only for another twenty minutes, Edward." She smiled again, then left, pulling the door closed with a soft click.

Edward was still on the far side of the bed, too far away for my happiness. I grabbed his hand and pulled him toward me again, but he didn't look up. "Not that I want to, but I should go, and you should eat."

I put my palm under his chin and lifted it, needing to see his eyes, needing to know that he understood that I wasn't running. When his gaze finally met mine, I could see the fear there. "I'm not going anywhere far, Edward." I kissed him, letting my lips linger on his. "As long as you want me here, I'll come."

"Tomorrow then?"

I sighed, not thinking I would be breaking my promise so soon, but knowing I couldn't abandon all my responsibilities either. "Actually, it's the last big day before the Fourth, and I'll be working the whole day."

"Then, on the Fourth? You could come for the picnic and fireworks here." He paused and licked his lips. "But it's just family and friends, no volunteers."

I had to clear my throat a couple times to answer, the implication of this invitation loud and clear. "Yeah, sounds great."

"Yeah?" His eyes were shining with hope, a thing I didn't see often in my life, especially directed at me.

"Yeah."

The next minutes were spent kissing and holding and just being happy together. But Edward needed to eat, so I made us get up and walk toward the dining room even though we were reluctant to say goodbye. He left me at the reception desk with one last hug and the lingering taste of his mouth on my tongue, and I wondered if two days had ever seemed longer.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Big squishy hugs to LyricalKris for beta-ing this incredibly quickly so I could get this out to you before her vacay. This is actually a little chapter of happy. Enjoy!

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**Chapter 6**

**..**

**Excerpt from Edward's journal** - _July 4, 2011 (morning)_

I've waited two whole days to see him again. Well, not precisely two days, but it feels like much longer. I was irritated that he had to work yesterday, but I understand that he needs to keep steady job right now, that he has to prove himself to society again.

How can it only be nine? How can I be this excited about a picnic? I know it's not just the picnic, but the truth is, I haven't felt this good in ages, this excited, this hopeful.

Which, as everyone in my situation knows, is a dangerous place to be. This is when it all comes crashing down. This is when the other shoe drops.

I know this isn't making much sense, but I can't seem to concentrate, and my thoughts are jumbled up. Even writing them in this journal doesn't seem to be helping me today. I know I can't let myself be hopeful, but when I close my eyes, I can see his smiling face, and I can feel his kiss on my lips.

Maybe I can have even more of those kisses. Just a few more.

..

.

**JPOV**

Since I left on Saturday night, I had gone over the day a million times in my head. The funeral, the kiss, his room. The paintings and sketches he showed me were amazing, and I was ecstatic that he was sharing so much of his past with me. At the time, I was overwhelmed by how much information he was laying on me at once, but now I'd had some time to digest. And some time to look a few things up on the Internet.

With all the crap on the Internet, I found a lot of confusing information and was definitely left with more questions than answers. What Edward described sounded a little like lupus, but then they would be able to slow down the disease. How could his body being attacking his organs without the doctors finding anything? It just didn't make any sense that there was nothing that could be done.

What if this doctor, this Carlisle, had found something new recently? What if Edward's plan to "live life", which seemed noble and bold, had actually deprived him of the cure? How was I not going to go crazy not being able to answer any of these questions?

With all of this swirling in my head, Sunday was perhaps one of the slowest days of my entire life. Luckily, Newton's had a steady stream of people needing last minute camping, barbequing, or picnicking supplies, so I didn't go completely insane with the waiting. I just watched the clock, counting down the hours until I could see Edward again, until I could touch him and talk to him. Hopefully, we would have a chance to talk again as well.

This giddy anticipation became too much on Monday, and I left my apartment about an hour earlier than I was supposed to. In my defense, I made a plan. I figured there might be others who showed up early, and, if not, I would help with the set up.

As I pulled into the parking lot around three, I noticed I wasn't the only early one as there were definitely more cars than normal and many I didn't recognize. I pulled into my normal half-spot, leaving my helmet on the bike, and walked into the hospice. There were red, white and blue balloons around the entrance, streamers around the reception desk, and signs decorated with fireworks pointed the way to the party in the back.

When I walked back out into the afternoon sunlight, there was a large tent set up in the middle of the lawn with staff, patients, and family members sitting in the shade and drinking punch. I found Angela easily enough, and after she assured me that everything was taken care of, I went off in search of Edward.

I found him sitting next to a man in his mid-50s who was in a wheelchair, their heads bent together in serious conversation. He hopped up when he spotted me and grabbed my hand, and I snuck in a quick hello kiss before he turned back to the man. For a moment, something seemed off, but I was quickly distracted by Edward introducing me to the other patient.

"Jasper, this is Al. He just arrived last week." Edward glanced at me nervously for some reason while I shook hands with Al. "Al, this is Jasper, my, um... my boyfriend."

I almost dropped Edward's hand in my shock, but I quickly recovered, smiling until it hurt my cheeks. "Yes, that's right, boyfriend."

Edward smiled then, and Al laughed at us. "You two look like you've won the lottery." He suddenly frowns, deep lines forming in his forehead. "Definitely something that's needed more around here."

I shuffled awkwardly, and Edward glanced between the two of us nervously as silence fell. I recognized a plea for help when I saw one.

"So, Al, what did you do for a living?" I asked as I sat and pulled Edward back into his chair. He gripped my hand tightly, as if it truly were a lifeline, and I wondered how he actually got into conversation with this man in the first place.

"Well, I was a math teacher. But..."

"Things change." Edward's voice was small, but it filled in the words the man could not say.

Al gave Edward a sad smile and sighed. "Exactly."

The mood was again low, and I wondered how I was going to make it through the afternoon. "I'm going to get myself something to drink. You two want anything?"

I wandered off after they both absently nodded at me. I found us all soda, although I did notice beer and wine behind the soda table. Returning to Edward, I handed each of them a bottle and took a swig of my own. Edward and Al were discussing Angela's plans for the day and how Edward hoped there would be fireworks later.

"I might not be able to stay awake that long, kid, but you let me know how they were," Al said, shifting uncomfortably in his chair.

Edward nodded and talked about the party on Memorial Day, hoping the food would be as good. As Al nodded along, I noticed how pale he was and wondered what he was here for, what disease was claiming his life. I glanced at Edward, happy that he seemed comparably healthier, but as I looked closer, I became more concerned. The dark circles under his eyes were deeper than Saturday, and his skin was paler.

I reached forward, stroking my fingertips under his eyes and completely forgetting they were in the middle of a conversation. "You need to sleep more."

Edward leaned into my touch and then pulled away slightly, blushing and glancing at Al. "Sometimes it's not that easy."

Soon the food began to pile up on the long tables at the edge of the tent, and I could smell the hamburgers, my stomach rumbling its opinion. Edward and I went to get some food while Al stayed at the table, his wheelchair not ideal for maneuvering in the grass in crowded situations. I piled my plate high with hamburgers and hotdogs, potato salad, watermelon, and chips with dip, so excited to have a proper barbeque. I couldn't honestly remember the last time I had celebrated Independence Day.

Edward followed a bit slower, picking and choosing his foods carefully and definitely not being as much of a glutton as me. I helped prepare a plate for Al too, but Edward thwarted my many attempts to get the guy more food.

"He won't be able to eat it, Jasper. Just get him some of the salad and a hotdog. Perhaps some of the melon."

Frustrated though I was, I began grabbing only the things he suggested. "How do you know what he can and can't eat anyway?"

He shrugged and spooned some raspberries on his plate. "I'm his buddy here. I help him get around and feel more at home. Like Miss Celie did for me."

I stopped completely, a ladle of salad halfway to my plate. "Miss Celie?"

"Yeah." He turned and stepped away from the line so we wouldn't block others. "When someone comes to the hospice, a couple patients are assigned to make the new person feel a bit more relaxed. Al's mine."

Now the stilted conversation I walked in on earlier made more sense. This wasn't Edward being outgoing, this was just him being nice. When we returned to the table, I smiled as I put Al's plate down in front of him. His face immediately lit up and he grabbed a piece of watermelon and ate it.

"Oh! The melon is sweet and not all watered down!"

Edward smiled, putting his plate on the table before sitting next to Al. "They really try to get the best."

Al just nodded and picked up his hotdog. "I can't remember the last time I had one of these."

"Me neither," I commented, taking a huge bite. "And they taste amazing!"

"Only the best," Edward repeated, and then took a bite of his hamburger piled high with cheese and tomatoes. "I think they get them from a Polish butcher nearby, or at least that's what they did for Memorial Day."

We chatted amicably about picnics and barbeques and our favorite summer foods, focusing on good times like I'd been trained to do as a volunteer here. I was just finishing my watermelon when Angela stepped up on a small platform to the side of the tent.

"Welcome everyone and happy Fourth of July!" She smiled at the smattering of applause. "I'm glad so many friends and family could join us this year, and I hope you are enjoying the weather and the food! We have many activities planned for the afternoon including volleyball, frisbee, horseshoes, and a special variation of Bingo!" As she listed the games, she indicated a different member of the staff who held up the requisite equipment for each. "Please come see the people up front if you'd like to participate."

Some of the party-goers began standing and moving toward the front, and murmurs could be heard throughout the crowd.

"One last announcement, and I'll leave you to it. For those that don't want to participate or need to rest, there is more comfortable seating inside. We will be having a bonfire and fireworks later with, of course, more food and marshmallows to roast, so rest up and have fun!"

Al turned to them when Angela was done, looking tired. "I think I'm going to rest now so I can see these fireworks for myself."

"Do you need help back to the building?" Edward said, standing to grab the wheelchair while I started gathering our dirty plates.

Al glanced between the two of us, and then clapped me on the back. "I think I'll manage just fine this time, Edward. You two have fun now."

I tossed the plates in the trash and came back to find Edward staring after Al, a half smile on his lips.

I grabbed his hand and started to pull him to waiting staff members. "Which game would you like to play?" I stopped abruptly when Edward didn't follow, our arms stretched out between us.

"Actually, I don't want to play any of the games. I'm feeling a bit tired."

I couldn't hide my disappointment, but I was the one that pointed out that he needed to sleep more. And I would never make him feel bad for having to take care of himself. "That's alright, then. I'll just hang out until you're back."

He smiled again and squeezed my fingers with his. "Or you could come with me."

I returned his smile, liking his train of thought. "Or that."

He tugged my hand and I joined him as he walked back to the building and directly to his room. As we walked through the door, I wondered how I hadn't noticed all the pictures when I first walked in last time. Then there was a soft click of the door closing, and his lips were touching mine. I forgot everything that didn't have to do with him.

My arms encircled his waist as his wrapped around my shoulders, and he pulled me tight against him. I tilted my head and ran my tongue along his bottom lip and was immediately rewarded with a groan and his tongue sliding against mine. My hands roamed over his back, feeling his muscles move as he began to touch and pull. I felt one of his hands slip into my hair as the other grabbed my shirt.

My hand went lower, squeezing his ass, which made him moan and shift against me, his hips brushing mine. I stepped into him but overbalanced and sent us both flopping onto the bed, his breath rushing out of him as I landed on top.

"Sorry! Are you alright?" I asked, trying to lift myself off of him.

He pulled me back down, his stare intense as he grabbed my back and held me still. "I'm fine. More than fine." He moved away from the edge and leaned against his pillows, pulling me with him.

Placing my hands on either side of his head, I leaned down and kissed him again, my hips settling between his spread legs although I kept the majority of my weight off of him. Even through my jeans, I could feel his length pressed against my thigh, his arousal spurring my own. I shifted and he moaned again, a deep rumble I felt with my lips.

I leaned on one elbow and reached down to adjust myself, giving my cock more room and a better position. I smiled as he did the same and swallowed hard at the sight of him pushing against the fly of his jeans. I licked my lips in anticipation of one day tasting him, then thought better of it. Why wait? What did we gain by waiting?

"Edward, I'd like to try something." My hand shifted from my own jeans to his, pressing against his hard cock.

His eyes half closed, and his head pushed back against the pillows, one hand twisting in the blankets. I leaned down and kissed his neck, making my way to his ear which I took softly between my teeth. He hissed, and I pulled back, kissing him quickly on his lips.

"I'd like to...well, suck you off." I smirked at his sharp inhale and ran my nose along his stubbled jaw. "Would that be okay?" I whispered into his ear.

He hesitated for a couple heartbeats, and I began to doubt myself. Surely he'd invited me back to his room for more than kissing. I leaned back again, looking into his eyes and saw the uncertainty there. "I'm clean, I promise. I would never hurt you."

"It's not that. It's just..." He looked away, looking anywhere but at me and fidgeting with the blanket under him.

"What is it, babe? You can tell me."

He looked at me for a moment, and then closed his eyes. "I'm not sure I can, you know, reciprocate."

I chuckled because I hadn't even been thinking of myself. I leaned to one side, resting my weight on one elbow so I could touch his face. "Listen, we can do whatever you want to do, take this as slow as you need. Personally, I would really like to taste you, but I expect nothing in return."

His eyes never left mine as he stretched up to kiss me, his hands pulling me back on top of him. "I would like that," he whispered between kisses.

I sat up on my knees and gestured for him to sit up so I could take off his shirt. As he laid back down, he pulled on the hem of mine. "Fair is fair," he said, his fingers sliding over my abs.

I took off my shirt as well and then kissed him on the mouth again as he leaned back on his elbows. I trailed kisses down his chest and stomach, my hands kneading his muscles and tracing the prominences of his ribs and hipbones as I worked my way down his body.

I paused at the top of his jeans, just feeling the warmth of his belly against my cheek and smelling the pure scent of him. I licked his skin and he squirmed under me, pushing his jean-clad cock closer to my face. I leaned back, unclasping his belt and opening his jeans in two quick movements. He gasped as I tugged his jeans and boxers down, exposing his heated length to the cooler air.

Without a second's pause, I wrapped my fingers around his length and brought it to my mouth, swirling my tongue around the head of his cock and savoring the bitter, salty flavor. His strangled groan was all the encouragement I needed, and I licked and sucked down his length before engulfing as much as I could with my mouth. I bobbed my head, flicking my tongue under the head of his cock with each up stroke, and keeping pace with my hand that was wrapped around the part that wouldn't fit in my mouth.

Edward became louder and he tangled one hand into my hair, lightly pressing at the back of my head. I sped up as much as I could, spit slicking my hand and my lips.

"Jasper! Oh God!" He writhed and panted, his hips lifting. "I'm going to come!"

I didn't slow, placing my free hand on his hip to keep him from choking me, I kept my quick pace. Soon he was shouting his release as I swallowed around him, slowing my pace and licking him clean. I rested for a moment with my forehead against his stomach as we both tried to catch our breaths.

His hands clutched under my arms and pulled me up his body, and I hissed as my erection was pressed between us. If Edward noticed, he didn't give any indication and began kissing me, hard and bruising.

"Jasper, I've never-," he started, but then stopped, his face flaming bright red.

"You've never what?" I asked, running my fingertips over his heated cheeks.

He turned and kissed my hand. "I've never had a blowjob."

I leaned back, my eyes searching his face, looking for the joke. "You've... Never?"

He shook his head, his face turning impossibly redder.

My thoughts raced. If he'd never even had a blowjob, had he done anything more? I had to know. "But... You're not a virgin are you?"

"No! I just..." He took a deep breath and looked me in the eye. "I've given them before but never had one."

I chuckled, glad that he had at least had some sexual experiences even though he'd been ill. "Well, then. What did you think?"

He laughed then, holding me tight against him. "Now I know what all the hype is about."

"Yeah." I nodded in agreement and then shifted my hips slightly. His admission had calmed my erection somewhat, but I was still hard.

Edward kissed me again and his hand snuck between us, palming me. "Can I?" he asked, biting his lip.

I immediately rolled onto my back, making things easier for him and wanting whatever he was offering. "Anything you'd like."

"Can you sit on the edge of the bed? I'd like to try something."

He stood and buttoned his jeans as I scooted to the edge, balancing on the balls of my feet. He grabbed one of his pillows, and I immediately understood his intentions. As he knelt between my legs, I tilted his face up to look at me.

"You don't have to do this."

"I know, but I want to. For the first time it's not just curiosity driving me. I truly want to."

He unbuckled my belt and unbuttoned and unzipped my fly. I lifted my ass off the bed as he pulled my jeans and boxers to my ankles, my swollen cock bobbing in the air.

He paused then, his hands skimming up my thighs as he leaned closer, lightly kissing the tip. I moaned as his lips came in contact with my skin, knowing I wouldn't last long after this much waiting. Slowly, he licked around the head and down the shaft, using his hand to lift my length so he could kiss my balls.

My head fell back and I groaned something unintelligible as his lips and tongue became intimate with every surface of my cock. "Edward, that feels so good."

With slow, sure movements, he continued his exploration, never speeding up or tightening his grip. The maddening pace pushed me closer and closer to the edge, until I was clenching my fists to stave off my orgasm. In one swift move, he engulfs my entire cock, his lips coming to rest on my pubic bone as he swallows along my length. The sensations are too much, and I cry out as I empty into his mouth, stars dancing across my vision.

As I came down from my high, I looked down to find him smiling up at me, his mouth turned up in a smirk. "What did you think?"

I laughed and pulled him up to me, kissing him as hard as he had kissed me. "Fucking amazing," I said when I finished kissing him breathless.

He helped me pull my jeans back up and then we laid down in his bed, kissing slowly, not building to anything, just enjoying each other. I noticed his eyes were drooping, so I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close.

"How about a little nap?"

Edward nodded as he snuggled closer and leaned his head against my shoulder. He had one arm over my waist and a leg over my knees and soon his breathing slowed, and I felt only the soft puffs of warm air through my shirt.

With him laying against me, my thoughts slowed and my heartrate calmed. Safe and happy for the first time in years, I tightened my arms around him for a moment, and I drifted off.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Thank you all for reading and reviewing. I'm sorry this chapter took so long to get to you - small tissue warning on this one. Thanks to the lovely LyricalKris for finishing this before she left on vacation (one week without her! eep!).

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**Chapter 7**

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**Excerpt from Edward's journal** - _July 4, 2011 (evening)_

I find myself just staring at him, not daring to touch him as he sleeps. All the worry lines disappear from his face as he softly snores into my hip.

How did I get so lucky to have a boyfriend like Jasper?

Lucky and damned.

I now know what I will be missing when I leave this life. As I get more tired and have more aches, I know the end is approaching quicker than I want. I had hoped for someone to be with me at the end, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone, let alone someone I loved.

Then he will be alone with his grief. I would say that I would spare him this pain, but I am too selfish to turn away love at this point in my life.

Is it love? I look at him again, snuggled against my legs as I write, and I haven't the strength to deny this truth.

God forgive me... I love him.

..

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**JPOV**

Consciousness comes slowly, my body so warm and comfortable that I don't want to open my eyes. I am pressed against something warm, and as sound returns to my ears, I hear the scritch-scratching of writing.

Edward writing.

I smiled into the fabric of his jeans, and held his legs to me.

"You're awake," he said, running his fingers through my hair.

I press closer and answered with a muffled "mmmf."

He chuckled. "Good. It's getting darker outside, and I'm sure we can find some food. Maybe the fireworks will start soon."

The mention of food made my stomach rumble, and I reluctantly sat up, rubbing my hands over my face in an attempt to force myself awake.

He laughed again and leaned forward to kiss me lightly. "Good morning, sweetheart. Sleep well?"

I wanted to shove him and tease him back, but truthfully I had slept well. I felt better than I had in months.

"Yeah, actually. But we should probably head back to the party."

He shrugged but put his journal back in the drawer by his bed. "I don't think anyone missed us, but yeah, I'd like to go back."

We stretched and stood, Edward swaying a little when he jumped up, but waving me off when I tried to help. "Just stood up too fast," he explained, his hand still steadying himself on the bed. "Grab the blanket, and we can find a place to sit for the fireworks."

His suggestion gave me an idea, and I eagerly grabbed the old quilt, rolling it up and stuffing it under one arm so I could hold Edward's hand with the other. When we joined the others outside, I could see that the nurses and a few of the family members were setting up the fireworks. I dragged Edward over to our tree and laid out the quilt, making him stay there as I fetched us some food and sodas.

Our tree was at the perfect vantage point, far enough away that the other guests and the branches wouldn't interfere with our view. The tree also provided a nice backrest and a bit of privacy.

Two fires were lit by the lake, and people were roasting marshmallows and just sitting around the flickering flames and telling stories. I watched them with a sort of jealousy that I had never had something so normal and American in my childhood, but was content to sit here under this tree, eating a hotdog and having Edward next to me.

Soon enough it was dark, and the show started. I realized shortly the staff had really gone all out, not the typical backyard bottle rockets and single streaks of color. The sky was alight with bright greens, blues, and reds in swirls and showers, some crackling some booming and all magnificent.

Edward leaned against me, and I put my arm around his shoulders. We sat there, watching the show and commenting on the colors, pointing out our favorites.

"I think the purple one with the white swirls is my favorite." I pointed to the bright colors against the dark sky.

Edward only grunted and then slumped forward.

"Edward?" I shook his shoulders, and he fell sideways, his eyes closed and his forehead damp. "Edward!" I couldn't wake him, and he only moaned as I shook him harder.

"Help! Someone help!"

A nurse and an orderly materialized out of the darkness almost immediately, their quick eyes assessing the situation.

They knelt next to Edward, and the nurse, who I recognized as Wendy, quickly grabbed his wrist to feel for a pulse. "What happened, Jasper?"

"We were watching the fireworks, and he just fell over. I can't wake him up. What's going on?"

The nurse and the orderly exchanged glances, and he grabbed his radio, speaking rapidly and quietly into it as I panicked.

"Please tell me something!" I begged as they lifted Edward and began walking with him slung between them back to the hospice.

I grabbed the quilt and followed, leaving the rest behind, not caring at all. What was happening? When they reached the doors, they were already propped open and two more staff members waited there with a gurney. They laid Edward on the mattress and wheeled him inside. The bright lights made my panic climb even higher. Edward was deathly white, even his lips pale, and he had an unhealthy sheen across his face.

"Please, help him."

Wendy stopped and put a hand on my shoulder, waving the rest forward with Edward. "We'll do what we can. You can wait here if you'd like, and I'll be out to talk to you as soon as I can." She gestured to the common room, then turned to join the rest of them in the clinic behind reception.

I had no choice but to wait. I sat on the sofa facing the window for what felt like hours, watching the flashing colors through the window and holding Edward's quilt around me. Soon, Wendy returned, her face grim.

I jumped to my feet, eager for any news. "What's happened? Is he okay?"

Wendy gave me a sad smile. "Jasper, Edward is never going to be okay. Let's sit down so I can talk to you."

I pulled the quilt even tighter around me as I returned to the sofa, as if it could be some sort of defense against what I knew she was going to say. "He's dying, isn't he?"

"Jasper." She put her hand on my shaking shoulder. "He's been dying for a long time now. He's had an attack, but these are common occurrences."

"Common?"

"Every month or so, he has one, sometimes in times of stress but often they are random now. This time his kidneys were attacked and aren't functioning well. He had a build up of poisons in his system, and we need to try to flush them out. We have him on fluids and pain medications, and hopefully we can make him comfortable."

"There's nothing else you can do? Dialysis or something?" I had an uncle with kidney failure, and he lived for years on dialysis. There had to be more they could do.

Wendy only gave me her sad smile again and shook her head. "Those in hospice want comfort, not cures. We do what we can."

I nodded but still didn't believe it. How could he be dying now? "Can I see him?" I choked out.

"They were taking him back to his room now. He's still unconscious, but you can see him for a short time." Her sad eyes said everything that her words did not. That time would be shorter than I wanted.

I rose unsteadily to my feet and folded the quilt under my arm once again. Walking to Edward's room seemed to take days, the white corridors stretching before me, never-ending doors leading to rooms of the dying.

Finally I did reach the one labelled "Edward Masen". I lifted my hand to turn the handle and paused there, my fingers inches from the metal. Fear filled me as I had never felt before, not with all the fighting in the gang or my nightly terrors in jail. I wanted so badly to open this door and find my Edward smiling at me, but I knew it wouldn't happen.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, steeling myself for what was behind the door and knowing that I had to face it. This was my Edward. He was who I wanted to be with, and this was now my reality as much as it was his.

I turned the handle and entered.

The lights had been dimmed, but I could still see him clearly on the bed, so small and pale with tubes taped to his arm. There was no one else in the room, but I knew they had alarms and would be here in a moment if something were to go wrong with the IV. He didn't move as I approached and sat on the bed, or when I bent to brush my lips against his forehead.

His steady breathing filled the room, but there were no other sounds, the festivities outside long done for the night. I sat at his side and held his hand, wondering how long he would be unconscious, if I would ever see his green eyes or hear his voice again.

I needed Edward more than I liked to admit, especially now, now that I might never be able to tell him.

"Come back to me, Edward. Please." I bent my head over my lap and wept, something I hadn't done even when my mother threw me out of the house or the first time I found myself in jail. "Come back to me."

My sadness turned to resolve as I sat there, holding his limp hand in mine. When Edward woke up, not if, but when, I would make certain that he knew exactly what I felt and how much he meant to me. I would not give up my work and my life I had worked hard for, but I would spend every available minute trying to make him happy and make sure he knew he was loved.

I glanced up and saw Edward's life told in portraits around his room. My eyes focused on Carlisle, his kind eyes and his friendly smile. I looked back at my dying love, and I wanted him to be well again.

That nagging question came back to me as I sat there. What if things had changed since last Edward had spoken to Carlisle? What if there was a cure now?

What if I contacted Carlisle about tonight? I knew it was against Edward's wishes, but so much had changed for both of us since we last talked about that. We were a couple now, and there had to be something I could do to save him.

I looked up as the door opened quietly, and Angela peeked her head in.

She smiled sadly when she saw Edward and walked to his side, squeezing his leg once before turning to me. "It's almost midnight, Jasper. Time to let Edward get his rest. You can come back tomorrow during normal hours."

"But-"

"No 'buts' this time, Jasper. He'll bounce back from this one in a day or two. This is not the time to go to drastic measures."

Did she suspect I wanted to contact Carlisle? Did she know? One thing overshadowed the rest of her words though, and I focused on that. "He'll bounce back?"

"Yes, this is just a minor setback. No need for all night vigils yet."

I placed a kiss on Edward's cheek. "Goodnight, my love. I will return soon." I squeezed his hand one last time and stood, following her into the hallway.

"Is there nothing more you can do for him?"

"Edward does not want extreme measures to be taken for him. Fluids to correct his dehydration and medications for pain is all he has allowed us to do." She grabbed my hand and made me face her. "I know this is hard, but we must follow what he wants."

I looked at my shoes and mumbled in agreement, realizing that 'we' didn't necessarily have to include me.

As soon as I got home, even with my fatigue and my early morning work shift at Newton's looming, I opened my laptop and searched frantically for the one man I thought could help. And there he was, in full color, almost exactly as Edward had drawn him.

Carlisle Cullen, MD, PhD, famed immunologist and my last hope.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: VERY IMPORTANT - I am going on vacation for 3 weeks - camping, hiking, living in a tent with NO internets. There will be no update during this time unless something weird happens. I love you all though and I will be back. Hope you enjoy this chapter and it leaves you in an okay spot. Big thanks and smooches to LyricalKris for beta-ing this bad boy.

And extra super thanks to otherside92 who made me an amazing banner (check it out from the link on my profile).

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><p>..<p>

**Chapter 8**

..

**Excerpt from Edward's journal** - _July 6, 2011_

Two days. I've been unconscious for two days. They say everything is stabilized again, but each attack leaves me just a little more damaged and a little less likely to recover from the next one. Right now, I know I'm pushing it. My fingers are almost too weak to hold my pen, but I must get this written. So much has happened in the last few days, so much.

In truth, I'm fucking pissed at myself. I knew I'd been more tired, but I thought it was Miss Celie and the funeral. I didn't see this attack coming at all. And now I totally ruined the 4th. And I wish I could have warned Jasper, let him know I would be okay. This was just a minor bump, something that I would survive.

He must have been so scared, but I'm not sure if that justifies his actions. How could he do this to me? I wake up to messages from Carlisle urging me to contact him, let him visit me, let him run just a few more tests. It was always just a few more tests...then it's five years later and I haven't left the hospital or his lab and have nothing to show for it but more punctures, more biopsies, more scans.

I refuse to do it again, and I told Carlisle as much when he called me. No treatment had worked for Benjamin, and they weren't any closer to a cure. I wasted my teenage years being a lab monkey. I will not waste my last days stuck in some institute. I need sun on my face. I need life, and living is made of smiles and stories and kisses. And Jasper.

Where is he anyway? The nurses say that he hasn't been to visit me since they forced him to go home on the 4th. Has he had enough? Is he pissed because I told Carlisle no?

Perhaps it's for the best. He won't have to watch me die and be disappointed that I refuse to listen to Carlisle. If he can't respect my wishes, maybe it's better that he just stay away.

..

.

**JPOV**

I was so eager to find a solution for Edward's illness, the cure that this Dr. Cullen had surely been working on, I called as early as I dared the next morning. Luckily, he was also an early riser and was able to give me some answers. It was still the same story, however - no treatment and definitely no cure.

Edward's disease was progressive and fatal, some kind of problem with his cells that caused them to die prematurely. Luckily, it was slowly enough most organs could regenerate to some degree, but as he got older, that regenerative capability seemed to be less. When the destruction reached a certain level, he would have an attack. So far he had recovered from these attacks, but it was only a matter of time until his organs were too damaged, or vital, irreplaceable cells, like neurons in his brain, were destroyed.

There was no turning back. He was dying.

I felt so helpless. Who in his right mind could just sit idly and watch the man he loves die without fighting? Without trying everything he could?

I hoped Edward would understand why I did what I did. I told Carlisle about Edward's condition, his complete collapse at the party the night before, and I begged him to help Edward.

Carlisle's weary sigh over the phone was probably answer enough. "I'll do what I can, Jasper. But if he doesn't want to talk to me, I can't do anything."

"I know, sir. I just _have_ to do something."

"You know he won't like this."

I grimaced and ran my hand through my hair. "Yes, sir. But thank you for trying."

"Thank you for calling. I'll let you know if I learn anything."

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen."

"Carlisle," he corrected me, then sighed again. "Good luck, Jasper."

"You too."

After I hung up the phone, the doubts began to creep in.

Although my conversation with Dr. Cullen was enlightening, there seemed to be nothing hopeful about it. There were no new developments. The other boy that had had the disease succumbed last year, his organs shutting down until he lapsed into a coma, never to wake.

I wanted to scream, to fight, to make someone find a cure. How could someone so young, so beautiful, so full of life be dying? How was I going to be able to watch him slowly fade away?

I glanced at the clock and realized I had to run if I was going to get to Newton's on time for my shift. What I wanted most was to return to the hospice and wait for Edward to wake, but I knew I would only get myself in trouble if I missed a single shift.

Luckily, traffic was light, and I arrived at the store just as Mr. Newton was unlocking the door.

"Good morning, sir!" I called out, waving as I approached.

"Good timing, kid," he grumbled and pushed the door open, hurrying to his office to disengage the alarm.

I clocked in and began my day, making a quick run through the store to note anything that needed to be stocked immediately before returning to the storeroom to unpack Saturday's deliveries.

On my way, I passed Newton walking back to the front of the store to unlock the doors and open for business. "There's an order of new lifejackets back there. See if you can get those unpacked first and out on display."

"Yes, sir."

Back in the storeroom, I carefully opened and inventoried the boxes that were there, checking them against the order forms. I easily found the new lifejackets and began carrying them to the front to put in the display window, removing the tent and sleeping bags that were there.

As I hung the lifejackets on the mannequins, someone ran by the store followed by three more people completely dressed in black. I thought it was odd for a Texas summer day, but to each his own.

I carried the old display material back to the store room so that they could be marked down and returned to the floor later. As I was gathering another armload of lifejackets, I heard Newton yelling.

And then others yelling.

"Shut up and tell us!" a woman shouted.

"Where is the money, old timer?" yelled a younger man.

"What money?" Newton asked in a dull roar. "We just opened. You think I keep cash just hanging around?"

"This is a camping store after the holiday; you must've been raking it in. Show us where the safe is, and no one has to get hurt!"

Shit, shit, shit. That voice was Vicky; I'd stake my life on it. What the fuck were they doing here?

I snuck quietly to the door, opening it a crack to see what was going on. Mr. Newton stood behind the counter surrounded by six masked people dressed entirely in black, but I'd recognize those wisps of Vicky's hair anywhere. That meant that the medium-built guy next to her was Jimmy.

A loud crack of a bat hitting the counter startled me, and I realized that all of them were armed - bats, a tire iron, a pipe... a gun. Jimmy waved it at Mr. Newton as he yelled again to be shown the safe.

I inched through the door, knowing I was being an idiot, but needing to do something this time. If I learned nothing else, I could no longer stand aside while these thugs hurt people and ruined my life.

Vicky noticed me first. "Well, well, well. If it isn't little Jazzy."

"You here to help us?" Jimmy asked, his gun flickering off Newton for a moment. "Tell us where the safe is, and we'll leave quickly and quietly."

"Nope." I edged a little closer, knowing I could take Jimmy if I could somehow get the gun. "In fact, I called the police and they're on their way, so you best leave now."

They all looked at me with wide eyes, even Mr. Newton. He knew there was no functional phone in the storeroom. A big bluff, I knew, but hopefully it would work and they would just leave.

"We need to hurry!" Vicky urged, clutching Jimmy with her red nails.

"I know!" He shoved her off and turned back to Newton. "The safe, Grandpa! Now!"

"I told you, there's nothing here."

One of the others swung his bat, catching Mr. Newton in the arm with a terrible crunch, and he fell with a scream.

I rushed forward, shoving one of the attackers into a rack of shirts and ducking just as Jimmy swung the gun toward me. A sharp pop followed and a shelf behind me cracked and spilled gadgets onto the floor. I dove behind the counter and found Mr. Newton sitting on the floor and cradling his arm.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine, you idiot. Why didn't you run to get help?"

Jimmy leaned over the counter. "Yeah, why didn't you run? Do you really want to work here? You could still work for us."

"I told you no, Jimmy." I stood, forcing him to back up. "Now leave."

The pipe came out of nowhere, but I instinctually lifted my arm to block it. The iron hit me hard, and I heard the snap as searing pain shot up my arm.

"You fucking asshole!" Vicky screamed. "After all we did for you!" She swung again, but Jimmy stopped her.

He raised the gun again and pointed it straight at my head. "If you won't help us willingly, I've got other methods of persuasion. Tell us where the safe is, Jasper."

I grimaced through the pain in my arm. "No."

"Vicky, hit him again."

She smiled then swung at the same side, my broken arm not fast enough to block it this time. I ducked, but the pipe connected with the side of my head. The shouting around me faded as everything slid into blackness.

~~FSIP~~

I struggled back to consciousness to the tune of a constant beeping and hushed voices. My eyelids seemed leaden, but when I finally opened them a crack, the small amount of light in the room seemed to burn through my retinas, sending a shock of pain through my head. I groaned as a wave of dizziness made my head spin and bile rise in my throat. I closed my eyes swiftly, but I had seen monitors surrounding me in that brief glimpse and the clean, white walls of a hospital.

"Mr. Whitlock?" a soft male voice asked. "I think he might be waking up."

My tongue seemed glued to the roof of my mouth, and I had to swallow twice before trying to speak. I croaked out an unintelligible sound and struggled to open my eyes again.

"Jasper, just relax." Felix's voice was a welcome sound. "You're in the hospital with a head wound and a broken arm. Would you like some water?"

I nodded as best I could and then felt a straw pressed to my lips. I sucked greedily at the water, the cool wetness easing my parched mouth and my nausea. I squinted up at the three looming figures over my bed, Felix, a man in a white coat and a young police officer in uniform. "Thank you," I whispered.

"Now, you want to tell us what happened, Mr. Whitlock?" the officer asked, pen poised over his notebook.

"For fuck's sake! Can't you give him a minute?" Felix boomed, turning on the man. "He's just regained consciousness."

"He's a suspect, you know, and I have to question him. These were his friends that did this."

"Yeah, some friends they are. Did you happen to notice that he's in a hospital because of his _friends_?"

Realization dawned on me. They thought that I had something to do with the robbery. "It wasn't me. I tried to stop them." I had a dim memory of Mr. Newton being hit with a bat and trying to protect him. I tried to sit up but another wave of nausea swept over me. "Is Mr. Newton okay?

"Don't try to sit up just yet, Mr. Whitlock." The doctor moved the other two men aside and pushed me back down. With a penlight in his hand he bent over the bed and flashed the light in my eyes. "I'm Dr. Gerandy. You've been unconscious for a few hours. You most likely have a concussion and will be dizzy for a while. We've already set your arm." He stepped back and flipped through a chart. "You are a lucky man."

"But what about Mr. Newton? I think, one of them hit him with a bat."

"He had a dislocated shoulder, but that is all. The police showed up shortly after you lost consciousness-"

"That's enough, Doctor," the officer interrupted. "Can't be giving him any ideas."

"What ideas? What's going on?" I ask, confused by the officer's tone.

"I can't have you exciting my patient right now." Dr. Gerandy pushed the officer with the chart back toward the door. "Your questions will have to wait until tomorrow."

The officer looked like he might argue, but Felix stepped between us as well. The young policeman leaned over, pointing at me. "Best you stay in town until then."

Dr. Gerandy closed the chart with a loud snap. "Don't you worry, Officer Bagmann. He'll be here in the hospital until then."

"Plus his parole doesn't allow him to leave town without permission," Felix added, the low growl in his voice unmistakable.

"Then I'll be back tomorrow," the officer said, his eyes locking with mine.

"We'll be here," Felix answered, closing the door in the policeman's face. "God, I thought he'd never leave."

The doctor looked at the monitors one last time. "I'll be back in an hour to talk to you some more, but right now you seem stable. Just rest now and don't worry."

"Thanks, Doctor."

He nodded at me and left the room as well, leaving Felix and I alone.

Felix pulled over a chair and sat facing me, leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest. "Want to tell me what happened?"

I tried to shrug and a sharp pain shot up my right arm. The arm was heavy and wrapped from elbow to wrist with a thick cast. I rubbed my hand over the cast, feeling the throbbing pain below.

"Doctor said it was a clean break and should heal fine. You should be allowed pain meds after they're sure you're okay from the blow to your head."

I nodded, still looking at my arm.

"What happened, Jasper? Why did your gang come to Newton's?"

I looked up at him, my anger flaring. "They're _not_ my gang!"

"Easy, son. I didn't mean anything by it. Just that it's a strange coincidence."

I shook my head, knowing Maria never left much to chance. "If it was her gang, I'm sure she's been planning this ever since I got the job there or perhaps even before. She was always methodical and wanted weeks to put together a job."

"The Martinez woman?"

"Yeah. Maria. I remember something about a safe, but I don't think Mr. Newton has one."

He chuckled. "Oh, he does. He just doesn't trust anyone to know about it." He leaned forward then, resting his forearms on his knees. "Anything you can tell us might help us, Jasper. What do you remember?"

I leaned back and stared at the ceiling, my memories blurred and fuzzy around the edges. "I was in the back unpacking a shipment. Wait, no, I was getting lifejackets for a display. Then... there was a noise... or shouting from the front of the store." I paused, trying to remember, but it was like clutching at smoke. The images seemed solid until I tried to grab them, then they faded to nothing.

"What did you hear?"

"Yelling, I think. I remember seeing Mr. Newton confronting four or five people dressed in black." I turned to him too quickly and had to shut my eyes for a few moments. And I saw red, a very distinct red. "I remember Vicky's hair. I know it was her, and they all had to have been in Maria's gang then."

"That's good, Jasper. Don't worry if you can't remember everything."

I rubbed my forehead with my good hand, my whole body beginning to throb. "There's not much after that."

"It's okay. You'll just tell the officer tomorrow what you know, then if the Doc lets you, I can help get you home."

"Home." The thought was almost pure happiness. I didn't want to go to the station or spend time in jail. I just wanted to go home. My eyes began to droop, my body relaxing into the bed.

"Sleep now. I'll be here when you wake."

~~FSIP~~

I vaguely recalled being woken many times, but the next time I truly opened my eyes, I was alone. The monitor was still softly beeping in the dim light, but there were no glaring policemen or doctors in the room. I laid there in the relative quiet and breathed deeply. My head hurt less, but my arm was beginning to throb, and I had aches all over my body.

I had been dreaming. I was in the store and there was a lot of screaming, then a flash and an explosion. A gun! Someone had a gun!

I tried to sit up, then remembered I was in a hospital bed and found the control to raise up half of it. I pushed the buzzer for the nurse as well, hoping that I could get some pain meds now that my head wasn't as bad.

The nurse came in followed by a different doctor. He looked at the chart at the end of my bed and then glanced up at me. "Glad to see you're awake. How are you feeling?"

"Much better."

"Headache?"

"A little, but not as bad as before."

"How's the arm?"

I flexed my elbow and winced as the throb intensified. "Painful actually."

"Well, I can't give you anything too strong just yet, but I can give you something."

He filled out a prescription and handed it to the nurse who had finished whatever she had to do to the monitor. Without another word, he left, the door swinging shut behind him.

"Don't mind him. He's always grumpy in the morning. I'll make sure someone brings you something to eat and drink. Anything else I can get you?"

"You said morning? What day is it?"

She smiled at me, a little sadly. "It's July sixth today about seven in the morning. By the way, that police officer is here again, but I'll make sure he doesn't bother you until you've had some breakfast."

"Thanks."

"Just press that buzzer if you need anything else." She patted my hand gently and then left the room, the methodical beeping the only thing remaining to keep me company.

It had been almost 24 hours since I had arrived at Newton's for my shift and now the full reality of the situation was becoming clear. Not only was I lying in a hospital, beat up and broken, but I was shortly going to faced with an officer who already knew everything about me. I would have to prove my innocence again. Nervous didn't even cover what I was feeling. If I had to rely on the justice system again, I thought I was surely going back to jail. No more chances, the judge had said.

I was fucked.

The nurse entered shortly, carrying a tray with a frown on her face. The young officer was on her heels, his face eager.

The nurse set my tray on a table and wheeled it to me, using the bed controls to put me in a sitting position. "He can wait, you know, if you'd like to eat first."

I glanced from the cup of broth and crackers in front of me to the policeman scowling at the nurse. "It's okay. I might as well get this over with."

The nurse nodded but didn't seem pleased. "Make sure you eat your soup before it's cold. And you press that buzzer if you need _anything_, dear." She looked at the officer again. "Anything."

When the nurse left the policeman was all business, pulling up a chair and taking out his notebook again. "Mr. Whitlock, can you tell me what you recall happening yesterday morning at Newton's store?"

"I will try, but there are things I don't remember."

"I'm sure you can come up with some story," he replied with a sneer.

"I didn't do anything wrong."

"We'll see."

"Yes, we will," came a welcome voice from the doorway, Felix's large frame filling the space. "How kind of you to wait for me, Officer Bagmann."

The officer only scowled in return and shifted in his seat angrily as Felix pulled up another chair. With Felix there I felt a little better. At least there was another witness to my statement if this officer tried anything.

I retold what I could remember, including the detail of the gun that I had recalled overnight. When I had finished, Felix nodded but the officer frowned.

"This is all you have? You don't know any of the other punks that were there?"

"I told you what I remember. Vicky was definitely there, but as to the rest, I'm not sure. They were wearing masks."

"You know Newton corroborates his story. Why are you continuing to hassle him?"

"He's a suspect in an ongoing investigation!"

"No, he's not. And until you have some better evidence than what some vindictive bitch is telling you, you have nothing on him."

The joy I felt at Vicky being arrested was definitely tempered by her obvious attempts to bring me down with her. I wanted to defend myself, but after a sharp look from Felix, I let him do the talking.

"Look, Officer Bagmann, Jasper isn't going anywhere. If he does, he will be in violation of his parole and you can bring him in. But he won't, so just lay off and go back to the station. You're done here."

The policeman looked between me and Felix, and then stood. "If you run, I will find you," he said, pointing at me. "And don't think Mr. Ruiters here will save you then."

If I violated my parole, I was certain Felix would be the first to take me down. I knew where I stood. "Yes, sir."

The officer left and Felix leaned back in his chair again. "You did good, kid. The doctor said you could go home this evening, but they want to do another scan to be sure."

I nodded and wondered how I would get home. My motorcycle was still at Newton's, and I wasn't sure I could drive it anyway with my broken arm. "Can I use a phone to call a cab?"

"I'll take you home tonight. It's no problem."

My own bed and my own clothes sounded fabulous. "Thanks, Felix, that would be wonderful, but I was hoping to make a stop along the way." Since the officer left and I knew I would be leaving here as a free man, I had only one thing on my mind.

"I can take you to the hospice, too," Felix said with a smile.

~~FSIP~~

By the time the scans were read and I was discharged from the hospital, visitor hours were well past over at the hospice. I expected to be turned away at the reception desk, but Felix must have smoothed things over because I was just waved through with a "he's awake but keep it quick" as the attendant turned to chat with Felix.

The stark relief that he was awake was quickly followed by dread about what I had done. In all the excitement of the last day, I had almost forgotten that I had called Carlisle and asked him to intervene. My heart was pounding in my throat by the time I reached his door, and I nervously raised my hand to knock. What reception would I receive? Did Carlisle contact Edward? Would Edward understand why I had to try?

Finally, I took a deep breath, knocked twice and walked in. The scene that greeted me took my breath away. How could I ever want to leave this man's side? Edward seemed so small in the bed with an IV and monitors surrounding him. Yet in spite of that, he had a reading lamp on and his bed raised so that he could sketch just as he would any other day. His dark eyes blinked at me from his pale face, and his lips twisted into a small smile as he set the book aside. I had a small glimmer of hope that all was well with us, but when he looked back at me his smile had turned into a frown.

"Where have you been? And what the fuck did you think you were doing?" His words were harsh, but his voice lacked strength. I knew Carlisle had called him, and I was in trouble.

I raised my arms in supplication and stepped into the room. "I'm sorry, darling. I can explain."

He gasped, his eyes widening as his gaze roved over my body. "What the hell _happened_ to you? Is your arm _broken_?"

"Yeah." I shrugged. "I just came from the hospital. I'm sorry-"

"Forget all that crap for now. Just get over here."

I obediently walked to his bedside, and he held out his hand. I grasped it in mine and leaned over, placing a small kiss on his forehead.

"I'm sure you can do better than that," he teased. "Come here."

He scooted over and tugged weakly on my arm. I laid down next to him on my side, avoiding the tubes and wires, and wrapped my left arm around him. He turned toward me, and we were suddenly face to face after too many days apart.

His fingers lightly traced over my sore cheek. "Oh, Jasper, what happened? You have bruises everywhere. Did you get in a fight?"

"Not exactly. But I feel better just lying here with you. Can we talk about it later?"

His eyes once again searched my face. "Promise?"

I kissed him once on the lips. "I promise to tell you everything tomorrow. I have a few days off of work."

"That's good. You need to heal." His eyes had dark circles under them, and I wondered what toll his body was paying for his latest attack.

"So do you. Are you feeling better? You look tired."

"I am tired, but right now I just want you to hold me."

And so I did. I held him and kissed him and loved him as best I could. When Felix knocked on the door to signal the end of our time there, Edward had already fallen asleep against me. I slid out of the bed as quietly as possible, but he still stirred as I moved my arm off of him.

"Jasper? You'll be back?" he asked sleepily, his eyes not even opening.

I turned at the door and smiled. "Tomorrow. I promise."

"Okay, then. Goodnight," he mumbled, his breaths already evening out again.

"Goodnight, my love. Sweet dreams."


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I'm back now and things _should_ resume with a more regular schedule. Big smooches to my beta, LyricalKris, for making sure I stay in the right tense and just making things better. Also, HUGE thanks to review by beacullen in Twific Reviews - thank you so much, bb.

And now, on with the story.

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**Chapter 9**

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**Excerpt from Edward's journal **- _July 7, 2011_

It's almost encouraging that Jasper has so much hope. His hope made him contact Carlisle, I realize that now. His hope makes him fight, makes him think he can still win.

My hope vanished years ago. I'm too tired to fight, and I don't want to win if it means leaving him.

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**JPOV**

Sleeping in my own bed without the nurses or the beeping or the constant hum of the hospital was amazing. I wanted to lay there wrapped in my duvet all morning, but I'd made a promise - one that I was eager to keep. I showered and dressed as fast as I could with one arm wrapped in the cast, grabbed a couple pieces of toast to eat on the way, grabbed my guitar, and found a cab. By the time I reached the hospice, it was barely ten, and official visiting hours had just begun.

Edward was still confined to his bed, so I found him there, dozing with a book on his lap. As soon as I stepped in the room he stirred, his eyes blinking slowly as a small smile formed on his lips. "You came."

"Of course I did." I walked to his bedside, kissing his smile lightly before pulling a chair close. I sat, placing the guitar on the floor as I took his hand in mine. "How are you feeling?"

"Mmmm, better. You can always tell I'm on the mend when the wires and tubes begin disappearing."

That's when I noticed that the IV was gone, and the monitor was still in the room but silent, the cords wrapped around the base. "That's excellent!"

He grimaced and shifted his hips. "The catheter is still in place, so I'm not totally free, but I'm one step closer."

After seeing him so deathly pale and unconscious just a few days ago, I saw any improvement as a miracle. I squeezed his hand tight. "Still good news, babe."

Nodding, he turned toward me. His still drowsy eyes searched mine for a moment, and his fingers gently caressed my cast. "So, what happened?"

I took a deep breath and told him everything I could remember: the gang at the store, Mr. Newton getting his shoulder dislocated, the time in the hospital, and even the policeman that seemed to have it out for me.

"I can't believe that cop gave you such a hard time! What an asshole!"

I sighed, knowing he had a point, but also knowing nothing could be done about it. I had a criminal record now. I'd done time. No matter how many times I wished I had done things differently, I hadn't, and the consequences would follow me for the rest of my life. "It's what I have to live with after my conviction. I will always be on the guilty side of that kind of situation."

"It's just not fair!" he said, sitting up and breathing hard.

Alarmed that he was getting so worked up, I squeezed his hand again and played it cool, trying to calm him. "I'll be okay this time. Besides, seems to me, life isn't fair all around."

He looked at me for a long moment, then leaned back and took a couple deep breaths. "So, what's going to happen now?" he asked, letting my comment slide.

"I don't know everything, but it sounded like they had Vicky in custody. She's started some story about me being an accomplice, but I don't think it'll hold with Mr. Newton's testimony."

His eyes widened. "There's going to be a trial?"

"Not for me, according to Felix, but she won't be getting off so easily."

"I'm just glad you're safe, and I'm glad Felix was there." Edward's hand held mine tightly.

I smiled, wanting to lighten the mood. "Well, nothing a little plaster can't fix anyway. Enough worrying though. I brought you a surprise."

"You did?" He smirked, the teasing in his voice a welcome sign that he was also willing to change the subject. "Is it that guitar you had behind your back when you walked in?"

I gave him my own sly smile. "Maybe."

He slapped at my hand, laughing, indicating more than anything else that he was feeling better. "Play me something!"

"That's the idea. What would you like to hear?"

"Anything. Something relaxed and happy."

I lifted the guitar and laid her on my lap, my cast luckily on my strumming hand. As long as I didn't try anything fancy, I should have been able to play something. I played some chords, warming up my fingers, and a tune popped into my head, as often happens. "How about this?"

At the opening notes he smiled, even when I my fingers missed half of them. When I began to sing, he laughed, but it was worth any humiliation just to hear that sound again. At the chorus, he even joined in.

_Slow down everyone, you're moving too fast. Frames can't catch you when you're moving like that._

As the last notes faded, I looked up to find his smile a little sad.

"What's wrong, darling?" I laid the guitar aside and edged closer to him.

"Jack Johnson always makes me think of the ocean and summer."

I chuckled and nodded, wondering how thoughts of the ocean could get him down. "Yeah, I can feel that sometimes with his music, too. The hot sand beneath you and the hot sun above with the breeze off the water and the waves so close to cool you down. Summer in heaven. But why the sad face?"

He smiled again, but lowered his eyes to his hands that were fidgeting in his lap. "You are sometimes too perceptive for your own good."

"Or yours, you mean."

He took a deep breath. "Nah, it's just that I've never seen the ocean. I never made it a priority, never made lots of things priorities, and now..." He lifted his gaze to mine, and I could see tears shining in his lashes. "Now..." His voice caught in his throat and all he could do was look at me as a single tear tracked down his cheek.

In an instant, I had him wrapped in my arms. "It's okay. Shhh." I held him and rocked him as he clung to my waist and buried his face in my shoulder.

After a few moments, he loosened his grip and leaned back, his eyes red but dry. "Jasper," he whispered, his fingers digging into my arms. "I'm scared."

"Me-"

"No, I need to get this out." He took a deep breath and locked his gaze with mine. "I haven't been scared since my parents passed away, not scared to die at least. It meant the end of my pain, and I had no one to leave behind, no one that mattered." He kissed me soundly, our lips pressed together and his hands gripping me to him. "And now there are so many things I don't want to miss with you, things I'd thought were long lost to me."

"I want to do everything with you, too. See the ocean, watch fireworks every Fourth of July, eat watermelon."

He smiled sadly and was silent for a long moment. "I love you, Jasper. I don't want to leave you."

I pulled him into me again, amazed to hear those words from him, but knowing they felt so right. "I love you more than anything," I said, kissing him again and holding him tight. "I don't want you to leave me either." I ducked my head, unable to admit to his face what I had to say next. "I'm sorry I called Carlisle, but I was so scared when you crashed like that. I needed to do something."

Edward's fingers cupped my cheek and lifted my chin so he could look at me again. "I thought as much, but it still hurt that you went behind my back like that. You should have talked to me."

"You were unconscious! I needed something... someone... some-"

"Some hope? There isn't any, Jasper. Carlisle has no new answers. He couldn't save Benjamin, he can't save me."

His words confirmed my worst fears - that he wouldn't even listen to Carlisle. My heart was pounding in my chest, my throat was closing, and I was struggling to breathe. "How do you know? Why don't you want to try?"

He sighed. "I should have said Carlisle doesn't have the _right_ answers. I don't want to leave you now that I have you, but submitting to Carlisle's wishes only means two things: test after test after test with disappointing results and no cure in sight, and long days and nights without _you_." He stroked my cheeks with his thumbs. "You have to understand, if I wanted to be tested again, I would have to go to Carlisle's lab in California. And you couldn't come with me."

I swallowed hard, the truth painful and sinking in by inches. "But-"

"The limitations of your parole wouldn't allow you to leave the state for months yet, and I don't know how much time I have left. I know you meant well, Jasper, but this is _my_ decision. I want to spend my final days with you, doing and seeing things with you. _You_ are my strength and my hope. Before you walked into my life, I lost all my will to fight, and without you there's no point."

"There _is_ a point," I argued, already knowing the fight was useless.

He pulled me close, the strength in his arms surprising. "I _won't_ lose you before I have to. I know what waits for me in California. There is nothing there for me but a white room with a small window and no chance of success. It would mean not seeing you when I need you the most." He took a deep breath. "It would mean dying alone."

My heart skipped in my chest at the thought of him in a cold, sterile room with no one with him at the end. "I won't let you die alone."

He blinked hard, and his voice softened. "I know you won't, but that's why I can't leave. Not now. It's too late for me."

His words were like a punch to my gut. "Then it's too late for us. You're giving up on me."

"No, I'm holding onto you with everything I've got." In emphasis, he held me even tighter to him. "I'm just letting go of everything else."

"That doesn't stop the inevitable, Edward. And when you go, where does that leave me?" I knew I was being selfish, wanting to keep him here just for me, but I didn't care anymore. "Then I will be truly alone. Everyone will have left me behind."

He looked at me, slightly surprised. "You have no one? I thought you had a sister?"

His memory of things I told him sitting under that tree of his shocked me. "In theory, but she's long gone."

"I didn't know. I'm sorry."

His sorrow for my situation made me feel horrible for laying guilt on him. He never asked for this life. "No, I'm sorry Edward. Life might not be fair, but it is what it is. I found you, and I will be with you to whatever end."

He kissed me, his soft lips pressing against mine and his hands tangling in my hair. When we parted, he looked into my eyes, his gaze pleading and loving. "I can't go back to California. I can't leave you."

Holding him, being able to touch him and taste him still on my mouth, I knew I couldn't let him go. Not now. My heart and head were still at war, but my heart was winning. "I know."

"I know we have more to talk about, but can't we just be happy right now? Can we just be together?"

His eyelids drooped as he spoke, and I ran my fingers over the dark shadows under his eyes. I climbed into his bed as he scooted nearer the wall. I helped him turn and pulled him to me, his back to my chest and his head resting on my arm. He held my other arm to his chest, occasionally kissing my palm or fingers. The warmth of him and the quiet of the room pulled me under. Soon I slept, feeling the same peace as the night before as I lied curled around my love.


End file.
